Life: Coming and Going

I'm learning that there is something that happens to a man (at least me anyway) when he gets around age 50.  Maybe it is because this is the time around when his parents, other family and friends begin to die.  Or maybe it is because that man's children are reaching the age of marriage and parenting.  Additionally aches and pains and other disruptions begin to happen and help the man see himself as he has really always been -- weak.  So between those two veils that we call birth and death there is much to temper a man and turn his thoughts from all those things that might have distracted him (money, sports, career and etc.) and those things seem to lose their allure as he contemplates more seriously than ever before where we come from and where we are going.

By accident I ran across this song on my ipod that I had forgotten about entirely.  I wanted my daughter who is close to having her first child listen to this.  This song so excellently gives the feeling of hope at the birth of a new baby, "I've been hoping I know how to raise you right".  Surely most parents have that hope.  Maybe another neighboring hope would be to add, "I hope I don't get distracted from raising you the best I can". 

The idea of having to guess about what is best at any given time is one that is true for parents.  With no experience and only half paying attention to other parents, we become a parent where all of a sudden a long train of "what do I do nows" come along.  These will actually keep us busy for the rest of our lives.  Like even now with my children who are grown that question comes up when I think about my current role.  And so...I keep making my best guess, hoping that I'll get much of what I do in the realm of "right" even if not "right on". 

This song somehow seemed to connect with feelings about my father-in-law who died a few months ago.  I remember the family prayer with the request that he be there to meet each of us as we take our turns to come through the veil in the future.  Dad was a singer and I could imagine him taking us through the veil as we closed our lives on this earth singing lullabyes as he might walk us through the night toward the light.

A beautiful song that brings the joy of those coming, the best of being here as a parent and looking forward to joining again with those who are gone before us, all together in one song.   

Cherie Call sings "Walk You Through the Night".

Walk You Through the Night

(Cherie Call)

I don’t have eyes in the back of my head
I don’t wear bright red knee high boots or a leotard with an “S”
And I only have five senses, the sixth one’s never there
When I don’t know why you’re crying I just have to guess
I see you’re having trouble sleeping, so am I.
I’ve been hoping I know how to raise you right
I can’t cast a magic spell, but I can take you for a trip around the block
Rest your head now while I hold you tight
And I will walk you through the night

As we walk beneath the sparkling stars
Your body’s getting heavier, you’re finally giving in
And my mind slips through the future, to the troubles you could have
And I don’t know how to fix them, I just have to guess
You are bound to have some nightmares, so am I
But you can count on me to hold you when you cry
I can’t take it all away
But I can tell you I’ve been down this road before
I can’t promise that I’ll always get it right
But I will walk you through the night

And if it’s raining, I will drive you
And if it’s late at night, I don’t care what time you call
I may not be the best at very many things
But I believe I love you perfectly.

Time goes by so relentlessly
I hope that you outlive me, that’s how it’s meant to be
And I believe in Heaven, but there are still some things
That I just can’t fully fathom, I just have to guess
If God will grant my wish, I will wait for you
Beyond the veil just before you slip through
And as you softly close your eyes
I will sing my lullabies to you
And before you make your way into the light
I will walk you through the night

Courageous: The Movie

See the movie trailer and the theme song video at the bottom of this blog.

One of the big problems of very recent years is that a father's crucial involvement in his family has been diminished.  I will grant you that in times gone by it appears that father's were granted powers, by society, that were beyond their ability to manage well.  Now, however; we find ourselves in a time where fatherhood is nearly meaningless to much of our population.  For one thing many fathers don't stick around or have any, much less meaningful, contact with their children.  Then there are the father's that do remain in contact but who play the part of Santa Claus multiple times in the year rather than a father.  Another variety are father's who do remain in the home, but either do little to nothing to influence the lives of their children, or are so controlling or out of control that their influence is harmful to the family.  

In the midst of this comes a fantastic movie that shows men in different poor varieties of fatherhood who become motivated and then make a pact to be better fathers.  In the movie they are primarily policeman and they see much of the worst of society, seeing much that is majorly influenced by poor fatherhood.  One is a father of a child he has never seen.  One is trying hard to do what is right, but due to not having had a father figure in his own life, he is just competing with his absent dad to be better than him.  Another has little to do with his children except to make decisions when needed.  And then there is the divorced father who has token contact but feels little connection.  Finally there is the father that has been struggling with keeping a job, and is desperate to work to support them.  These fathers make a resolution to be better father's with very specific hopes in mind.

There is some action for those men who want some action in their movie (gun play, car chase, a shootout etc.).  The action is not the point of the movie but is meant to show two things I think.  One, that of course policemen have some action in their lives and two, that men can be good people even in the midst of dangerous action.

There is unadulterated religion in this movie.  There is lots of prayer, there is a church scene, and there is mention of going to church regularly.  There is some testimonies of Christ and some proselytizing.

My wife commented that she was shocked that we could see a movie like this in a public theater.  Keeping in mind that the movie has been out about four weeks (which I considered a positive that it stayed in the theater that long) by the time we had seen it. We had seen a preview of this movie when we saw Soul Surfer and this was at the top of our list of movies we wanted to see. Due to a variety of things that have been going on in our lives over the last month we did not get to see it until now.

There is family dysfunction and even a gang trying to be a family in this movie showing one way that those without families try to create something to take its place.  The men in the movie are not all great father's and even with the resolution they all don't succeed.  They struggle and try and not all are successful.  The men even look like normal guys--not Hollywood types.  They aren't "pretty", some are overweight and the movie makes it clear that we are talking about real families not fantasy families.

There is a good mix of skin colors with the associated strengths and weaknesses that are often present with each one.  The movie shows though that the way to be a good father is common among them all.

This was a great movie, that really has some potential to motivate a hard group in our society to improve.  Men often avoid talking, sometimes thinking, or feeling important things about their families.  Our society has convinced many that they need not, cannot or should not spend time evaluating or examining themselves in this area of their life.  Many men have been mistreated or not mentored by their fathers and have no blueprint for what a real man should be--making them more easily influenced by societal messages of what a man should be.  This movie brings some of those feelings to the surface during the show and hopefully men will find a way to let those feelings push them to be better fathers.

It is not just that our children and wives need this.  Not even that the men themselves need this and may not know it. But ultimately our society and world need this.  I applaud those that made the movie and put it out there where it needs to be, competing with all the inept, incompetent and poor representations of fatherhood that prevail in the world.  This should make you feel something.  It should bring thoughts of your father to you.  It should make you think about the father you have been. It should make you think seriously about the father you want and need to be.  In this case, you may see more clearly with a few tears in your eyes.

Now for my sons-in-law:  I know you don't have any children yet--all the better to get started and be prepared, watch this movie, and pay close attention to what it teaches.  There WILL be a test.   Sincerely -- Dad

P.S. There were two scenes that especially touched me as a father of four daughters.  

First the scene where one father takes his daughter out to eat in a fancy restaurant.  She comments that it is really a nice place and is surprised that her father would bring her there.  He comments that she is worth it.  Then he tells her how important she is to him and asks if she will trust him with decisions about who she will date.  Then he gives her a ring to wear on her wedding ring finger until she gets married that will remind her of how much she is loved by her father.

The other is when a little girl asks her father to dance with her.  He is embarrassed and worried that people will see them dancing, so he tells her that he will watch her dance instead.  I thought that was a sure sign that later in the movie he would do the embarrassing deed.  I was kind of right, but even more meaning is foreshadowed in that scene. 

Here is the trailer for the movie:

Below is the video of the theme song "Courageous" by Casting Crowns mixed with scenes from the movie.

Monday Music #11 Aselin Debison: Love So Rare

With my second daughter getting married this week, my thoughts turned to a great song by Aselin Debison who is a Canadian singer.  She was young when she started her singing career and to be honest I haven't seen much available from her recently, but this song is a stunner for Dad's who have daughters.  This particular video of it is touching in and of itself as she is singing to her own Dad. 

Aselin started singing when quite young so in the pictures you will notice a distinct difference in her age.  She is currently attending a University in Canada and is engaged to be married soon.  I note that her birthday is coming up later this month. 

Aselin Debison: Love So Rare

Surely every Dad would like to believe he has had a positive influence on his daughters.  As my own daughter prepares to be married I hope that she will be able to develop her relationship with her husband but that we will be able to maintain a good and fruitful relationship with me, her Dad.  This is for you--all four of my girls.

Like a tiny seed firmly in the soil
Nurtured with a love I think so rare
Given room to breathe, given time to see
It’s now so clear to me
You were there, you were there

When I was just a flower afraid out in the forest
Hiding from the shadows all alone
I knew you’d be along, my faith in you was strong
Like our favourite song
To lead me home, you led me home

And with each changing season
I grow a little stronger
Rising up to touch the open sky
And if I gave you a reason
not to hold me any longer
You gave me a thousand reasons why

You are my steady oak standing tall and strong
Protecting me with everything you have
And I know deep inside
I would not have survived
Without you by my side
Oh and I .... I love you dad

(Bruce Guthro) © 2002 Wall Street Publishing Ltd. (SOCAN)

Daaaad!

It is true that sometimes Dad's do things to embarrass their children.  Dad''s sometimes do those things on purpose.  Mom's on the other hand tend to embarrass their children by accident most.  My Dad was not a world class embarrasser.  The most embarrassing thing I can think of about my Dad was that he didn't have much to say to my friends.  I read this article about a Dad who took it to new heights in embarrassing his son.  His son was a sophmore in High school and by luck [good or bad, you decide] the bus route was changed to go by their house last year.  Dad saw his chance and nearly every day last year waved to the school bus as it passed.  Well, he did it in a different costume everyday and indeed his son was embarrassed.  Click here to see the article.  Or if you prefer click here to go to the blog to see the various costumes that were documented. 

I am grateful for men like this who make my little antics seems small in comparison.  So maybe on second thought my kids might realize that they had a less embarrassing Dad after all. 

Here are a few of my favorites:

Peg leg pirate.

Dad's outdoor office.

scary clown

Mariachi band

Pochahontis

So, pretty much whatever embarrasing memories you have of your Dad when you were a kid, or maybe still.  Just be glad that he isn't an overachiever like this fellow. 

Home at last!

I had an experience this past week that really meant a lot to me.  It really opened my eyes to what great joy it is when a loved one returns home after a long absence.  [It gave me insight into the prodigal son and also maybe what it will be like to cross the veil].  But this situation was not a prodigal returning but rather a hero.  I'll let the pictures tell the story.  I appreciate my great friends sharing this homecoming with me. 

Waiting for family members to return from deployment in Afghanistan.  The anxious excitement after not having seen your son, father, brother, Dad or Mom in a year can be almost overwhelming especially for the young ones.  Loud celebratory and patriotic music blasts to the crowd.  The atmosphere is electric.

Miles trying to work out some of his excitement waiting for Dad.

The band waiting to play for the grand entrance.

The family waits almost patient.  The plan gained from past experience is to let Dad come to them in the stands, so they won't get lost in the crush.

Memorabilia abounds throughout the gym.

Tokens of a daughter's yearning for Dad.

Smiles not yet to their fullest wait in nervous excitement.

The moment arrives and they march in neither looking to the left nor the right, but seeing all.  The joyful sound of the welcome surely was sweet music to their ears and a great release for all the families.

The last test of discipline, to see your families faces...but not yet allowed to touch them.

Released at last the crush begins.

Families find each other.

And some try to escape to home.

Can't wait for Dad to get to him so he goes to Dad. Let the loving begin, youngest to oldest.

Mom can't wait her turn.

And discipline breaks down and things get out of order.

Finally!



Trudy's biggest smile in about a...year!



Finally Trudy's turn!

A long turn!

Finally back together again!

This reminds me of Alma 27:16-19: "...and behold, this was a joyful meeting.  Now the joy of Frederick was so great even that he was full; yea he was swallowed up to the joy of his God, even to the [near] exhausting of his strength...Now was this not exceeding joy?  Behold this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly...humble seeker of happiness.  Now the joy of Trudy in meeting her husband was truly great, and also the joy of Ayana, of Kyla, and of Miles, but behold their joy was not that to exceed their strength."

It was such a pleasure to be a part of this and see their love for each other.  Thanks so much for inviting me to share. 

I want to hold your hand

Some of us might remember the title of this post as lyrics from a Beatles song from the 60's.  I am not a Beatles fan and they are not the point here.  The point is again my in-laws.  If you don't know what inspirations they have been giving the rest of the family lately please go to this post and read about it: They Twain Shall Be One.  My mother-in-law recently wrote to tell us of their second meeting since the accident, I think it will continue to inspire you to read it.  Mom is able to use her computer and send emails and etcetera via voice control. 

She writes:

This morning Lynell and Lesli brought Gary to visit me. That's the second time we have been together since his accident. We had a wonderful visit and were able to sit outside on the patio for a while. Gary has made great progress this week. His therapists are very happy with what he has accomplished. He is able to go several hours a day without the use of the trach so the weaning process is going well. He was able to speak with some volume today and some of what he said was understandable. He is able to move his own wheelchair using one leg and one arm. It's good to see that strength returning. He's also sipping water from a glass and has eaten some applesauce as well. He can also wash his own face, put on his own glasses and wipe his own nose. Maybe I should be jealous – I can't do those things for myself. He also was able to use a standing frame and transfer without the aid of the Hoyer lift. Those and other things mark a lot of progress this last week. I'm really pleased that he's working so hard and is having such good success. He wanted to hold my hand while he was here today and maneuvered until he was able to do that. I'm looking forward to holding hands more often ASAP. I feel like he's making big steps now instead of the baby steps we had seen before. Thanks for your prayers, concern and love that have helped us move along down this path. Love, Loray

It is amazing to me the things we take for granite.  Of course we most often don't even realize how little we regard certain abilities and privileges we have on a daily basis...until they are gone. [Note: surely there is some way to be grateful before we lose what we have.]  Of course I am talking about holding hands.  The effort that Dad has to go to to "maneuver" as Mom called it so he could hold her hand, where in the past that was something that was easy, even considering Mom's limitations.  It's enough to make me take a day off and hold my my wife's hand all day.  Well...almost.  Maybe the situation will be such that I'll look back at this and wish I had. 

I can remember some of the first times I held a girls hand (not my mother or sister) and the feelings that created in me.  Now hand holding is a comfortable and comforting activity to help me feel like my wife and I are acting together, as one, or at least getting there.  I'm going to try and let this inspire me to appreciate the seemingly simple activities that show love and solidarity with my wife.  And for you two girls that have a husband and fiance handy, do more handholding! 

"This years fancies are passing fancies, but sighing sighs, holding hands.  These my heart understands." 

--Beegie Adair (Musician)

My many names

 
As you may have noted by my signature byline, I have a variety of names.  Dallas is what I started with, recently I've been called Bishop, and sometimes I get called Doctor although that would be incorrect.  I've had nicknames of "Big D", "Cowboys", "Texas", "Fort Worth" and every other major city in Texas.  But the name I've appreciated most has been Dad, or Daddy. 

When I was a missionary in Thailand I got asked repeatedly what my name meant. I replied over and over that American names did not have meaning.  In their language and culture that is so foreign that they couldn't believe me.  I had the impression that they thought I was embarrassed about the meaning of my name.  So I felt the need to come up with a meaning.  Being a young man and a bit insecure I had decided that my name meant 'handsome strong man'.  At first I was a little embarrassed at my brazen distortion of truth (okay flat out lying) but the Thai people had no problem with it and didn't seem to suspect my treachery.  The meaning I chose seemed to be just what they suspected.  So somehow I managed to be 'Humble handsome strong man'! 

I have enjoyed my given name because it is a fairly rare name and identifies me well.  Most often I use just my first name when I am talking to folks.  At work, from time to time, we have staff meetings with people from the various offices present.  When I am called upon to introduce myself I use just my first name.  Often someone says something like "What, you only go by one name like Cher or Prince or something?"  What can I say.  Of course if they were to say that now they might say like "Jimmer or Gunnar".  My first name tends to be memorable and serves me well. 

However, the name that means the most to me, and one I had looked forward to, and enjoy now is "Dad".  Being a Dad has got to be one of the best things ever.  That name has an impact on me that makes me want to be better.  It is a name and a title and it has meaning all wrapped up in one. 

I hope I can wear it well.