Marriage: get on with it.

This post is written in answer to a post on Modern Mormon Men blog written by Matt Lipps.  Please read his post by clicking here.  It will make my post even more understandable!

When I was a young man aged 18 I was planning on a mission.  I had been planning for years.  Maybe because of my uncle who was a missionary for another church and had served his life as a missionary to Haiti and was celibate throughout, it was impressed in my mind that a mission was JUST for two years and then we were expected to get onto the even more important business of building a family.  Consequently, and unusually I'll bet, I studied to be a husband and parent for years before I served a mission.  Yes, I read books on the subject, but probably more importantly I paid attention to several examples around me.  I paid attention to my Dad and Mom and how they related to each other.  I watched my sister and her husband and learned all kinds of good things for my eventual marriage.  The married ward members provided me with supplimental material as I paid attention to the little ways they showed that they cared about each other...or not.

Now I don't tell you that to make all Mormon young men think that is what they should be doing with their time.  After all, I just did that with a little bit of my time.  I still liked playing and watching sports, adventures, and of course girls.  What I am trying to say is that I think most of us have noticed some of these things about the relationships going on around us.  We have likely noted things to do and not to do in a marriage relationship from our parents.  Consequently, we are not without preparation.  Even if you have been totally inattentive or lacking in opportunity and missed it growing up, you now have time to start paying attention, learning and preparing for marriage.

So many people are worried that they are not ready to get married.  I doubt very many people can be ready due to the fact that generally we cannot anticipate adequately most of the ways that marriage requires us to learn, grow, stretch, and repent.  All we have to be is committed to the institution of marriage by accepting that it is the pattern that we need to be a part of in our life and then to choose a person (note, I do not say fall in love) but choose a person that we decide we will love and commit to not stop loving them.  Voila you have a marriage ready to start and then can get down to the real work of marriage after the ceremony.   

The real work of marriage is of course making it last forever.  If we worry over much about getting ready to marry we will be tempted to think that the work is over when we are married.  Admittedly it does feel like that after you have gone through an engagement and done all the preparation that our society demands to get married; but that is just the beginning.  Now begins the real work of learning, respecting, repenting, loving, growing spiritually and every other way, caring, accepting our weaknesses and making them into strengths or at least adequately kick-starting the change, forgiving, sacrificing and the many other things that are a part of marriage.  Then after that foundation--whether months or years--have children and dig deeper into all the things you thought you had learned, because now you have to know them well enough to teach someone else--not just think you know them enough to get by--but really know them inside and out. 

I suspect that there are additional major transitions in married life yet to come that I haven't experienced yet.  Maybe the transition we call empty nest which some might say should be called "empty next".  Then what about maintaining a marriage through the older years of loss and infirmity.  Caring enough for each other to still love even when your spouse, or maybe you, can't show it in the same ways.  Possibly finally showing that we will not forget our love, our promises and our covenants when only one of us remains here alive.  Marriage and family life are so full of transitions, major and jarring transitions (sometimes) that we can't possibly prepare for them all adequately and yet we need to move forward through them and beyond when they occur.  And don't forget learning all the cumulative lessons along the way.

You see my wife and I married shortly after each of us returned from a mission.  We had minimal money, not even a car for the first couple years we were married.  We didn't find that college courses nor low income were good enough reasons to not start having children right away.  And when our first child was born dead we continued on despite the loss and pain.  Why should we be spared the pain that many others go through?  We learned about each other and used our challenges as methods to learn to trust and depend on each other.  We always kept building our relationship and love for each other.  There were frustrations, lack of money sometimes, always plenty of ways to spend what money we did have, but we wouldn't allow that to define our marriage or each of us individually.  We even had joy throughout!  Maybe not always as much as we hoped for but enough to let us know that life was good and that we were on the right track. 

My wife and I knew each other as missionaries.  When I returned home seven months before her from our mission I knew it was time to get going on the part of life that would really define me: husband and father.  So when I considered my options a lightbulb went off in my mind when I thought I would like to marry someone like Lisa.  Why not her?!  Well there wasn't a good reason, so I waited until she finished her mission and flew to her state shere she picked me up from the airport and I asked her to marry me.  Yup, it was our first date. 

I know that in this day and age of caution and distrust, when we wonder if people are who they really seem to be and worry if they will continue in the same upward trajectory over the next many years that we find it hard to trust enough to choose.  Often we either go with our hormones alone or give up and back out.  Many let fear and uncertainty take control and we exclude ourselves until temptation or failure overcomes us.  We have a resource to help and guide us (I'm talking about God here and not just parents and siblings and etc.), we have our own best efforts and our willingness to commit.  Maybe I am most clear on the fact that I know I personally have a great influence on how things turn out--maybe we could call that confidence or maybe it is stupidity, you choose.  Sure there is much outside of my control, but I prefer to see and accept and use what is within my control to work toward the goals that I choose and have covenanted to work toward. 

The preparation for marriage was helpful, but the experience of living marriage was more worthwhile.  Reading and watching got me thinking but reality got me acting in the ways I needed to act.  Marriage is a fantastic way to learn who you really are and then repent and be better.  The best preparation for a man is not the books or even the observation (though still valuable).  The best preparation is an honorable mission.  It will probably not make you feel ready for marriage and fatherhood, but it will start or strenthen your confidence and provide humility enough for growth.  Missions also are great for young women to help them prepare for marriage.  In their case however (possibly because they are older when they serve) it seems to polish the confidence and humility and etc. that they already had inklings of. 

Oh, and a note about fears of getting married.  Heavenly Father isn't the author of fear, rather he is the author of hope.  Hope that like faith requires work and effort to make meaningful.  So ditch the fear stuff and get on with it.  If you have some emotional problems or special circumstances than get some help for those to get in better shape.  If not then carry on, move forward and see what all the marriage hullabaloo is about.

Whose hand

Friday I was at an all staff meeting for District 19 Community Services Board.  We were having the typical meeting with various presentations and then it changed.  A singing group and band from the Sycamore Center was there to give an example of healing music.  The Sycamore Center is a day treatment facility for seriously mentally ill people.  The director of the band was remarkably well spoken and well prepared as he presented a speech before their performance. 

All the members of the group were in recovery.  In an effort to have the singers dressed alike they had obtained a white T-shirt for each of them.  Due to their disability most did not wear it with any pizazz at all and looked like a ragtag group.  This was not your typical singing group and several had pot bellies and some looked scared and unsure.  Many looked down in humility as they started the song.  They didn't look very slick or smooth as we are often accustomed with our entertainment.   

But then they started singing "Lean on Me" and all the imperfections fell into the background as the song was more meaningful being sung by people that had really been through some tough times with their mental illness.  They sang beautifully and there were few dry eyes in the audience.  Before it was all done the audience was spontaneously all on their feet, holding hands in a huge circle around the gymnasium where it was held, singing along and swaying to the music .

As the band and singing ended and we clapped loudly for several seconds I realized I had been holding the hand of a woman on my left that I didn't even know and a big fellow on my right.  People I wouldn't typically hold hands with.  But with the sense of brotherhood and sisterhood engendered by the song the whole audience was moved to join together in one big chain of humans in a show of support and caring for each other and appreciation for the music and message.

Even noticing the fingernails and tattoos on the woman to my left made me see that the music had the ability to bring disparate people together and indeed we could all lean on each other.  So in life when we see those who may be disabled, we need to accept that they certainly have talents just like we do that can inspire people to be better and feel the spirit of happiness and love.  Don't count them out but rather let them blossom where they stand.  I wish you could have been there to experience it.

Lean on Me lyrics

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you need to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (if you ever need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me
Call me (if you need a friend)

Abilities and Disabilities

In the winter it is a common thing to hear about how each snow flake is different.  It is amazing, practically unbelievable to imagine that every snowflake is unique and in some way different from every other snowflake.  Particularly amazing when our naked eye, most often, cannot see the difference. 

Then to think of people and how we each vary from one another in multiple ways--it is mind boggling.  We have multiple different skin colors, hair syles, eye colors and shapes, heights and weights, and ways of dressing just to mention a few easily noticable distinctive characteristics.  Then to overlay the variety of talents and abilities that people have adds additional layers of diversity.  So many abilities! Many of them so subtle that people often don't even know they have them or that they are distinctive from other people. 

I have talked to a number of folks who have one of those subtle, not easily noticed, abilities.  To be honest I think most if not all people have these inconspicuous talents.  They are often amazed when I point them out and even more amazed when they realize the uniqueness that they harbor.  It helps them to see the world with more clarity when they begin to see their own uniqueness and realize that each of us is exceptional and irreplaceble. 

When we think about talents and abilities we often think of the more glaring and visible ones.  I once talked with a young lady who had multiple spectacular abilities and skills.  She yearned for people to see past those to her other qualities that she considered more fundamental in making up her person.  Singing, art, comedy, instrument playing, and athletic abilities are just a few of the abilities that are more easily noticed.  Even if you take one category of abilities, for example athletic, there is a huge variance in a single talent.  Even if you take a sub-category of that ability, for example basketball playing ability there is a great variety (think of why we have dunking contests and can differentiate between dunks enough to chose a winner). 

When you consider another talent, like empathy, and consider some of the variations of that talent from one who can feel another's pain to one who can anticipate another's need.
Ultimately I must conclude that everyone has multiple abilities and everyone nust have multiple disabilities as well.  I was reading an article by Orson Scott card that you can access by clicking on this line.  It said:  "Our bodies come with a mix of abilities and disabilities. What God cares about is not what we're born with, but how we use whatever talents we've been given."

To use our talents and develope them there must be a time of discovery and then a time of growth and maturity.  Finally a time for using the talent as God intended.  And then in the process of using it we can advance the talent and magnify it.  When we consider all the desirable abilities and talents in the world it is crucial that we recognize our own and learn to use it for God's intent. 

As we develope our abilities we then have a strong foundation for overcoming, minimizing or managing our disabilities.  Though all disabilities will not be overcome in this life, by recognizing and tapping into the fruits of our strentghs (i.e. confidence, discipline, and determination that result from our recognizing and using our strengths for good) we can overcome or at least accept our inabilities.  Some disabilities may actually not be fixed while others may be incapabilities.

It is possible that as Neal Maxwell hints at that our greatest ability to God may be our availability and our greatest disability our inavailability.  "God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only about our availability, and if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability."
— Neal A. Maxwell

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

The humble kind criminal with a conscience

Kind Criminal?

I had an interesting experience the other day.  I was talking to a man who had been in jail many times in the past.  In our discussion he identified himself as a "humble, kind criminal with a conscience".  That made me pause for a second.  A criminal humble?  A criminal kind?  A criminal with a conscience?  I was not accustomed to thinking of criminals in quite that way. 

So I laughed!  He laughed and then he said, "sounds crazy doesn't it?"  Maybe that is why he was seeing me. 

As I thought about it some more I think I realized what he was saying.  He was humble in that he didn't try doing more crime than he needed to do to get what little he needed.  He wasn't out to get rich, just get by.  That's kind of humble...maybe.  Kind of like a hunter who only hunts when he needs food and then only hunts for what he needs and not excess. 

He was kind because he didn't want to hurt anyone he told me.  He didn't steal purses from old ladies for example (his not mine) and didn't beat them up or throw them to the ground like some of his fellow criminals.  He did allow that maybe he did "harm people emotionally when they found out there money was gone" but other than that he cared about people and never had attacked anyone or caused bodily harm.  He was a pick pocket in his past and he felt that was morally superior to more thuggish criminals. 

He had a conscience that wouldn't allow him to do certain things that would be harmful as I mentioned above.  He even discouraged some of his comrades from doing those mean and abusive things he said.  He took a lot of ribbing for his ideas on that from other criminals he said.  "They said I was different." 
He would much rather hurt himself than someone else he said and had scars to show for it.

A criminal with principal?  I avoided his view of himself because my tack was that he had stopped doing criminal behaviors so he wasn't a criminal any more! 

Now we just need to find out what he is so he can have a new label. 

Humility can cause laughter or pain

Actor # 1:  55 year old woman with cane

Actor #2:  Suave and well spoken man of indeterminate age

Actor #3:  East Indian man dressed professionally with a nice smile

Actor # 1:  "I can't wait 45 minutes to see my doctor, can I see him now?"

Actor # 2: "I'll check to see if we can arrange something."

Actor #2 approaches actor # 3 who nods his head.

Actor #2: "The doctor says he will be able to see you early."

Actor # 1: Walking at high speed to office with Actor # 3 while carrying cane, speaking to Actor # 2:  "I don't even know why I see you dufus!"

Actor # 2:  laughing pleasantly: "Only the same reason you've been seeing me for years."

Narrator:  "Humility can be well earned but is always appreciated."