Guest Blog: Choose Your Hard

I went back to Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.  At last week's meeting, I heard something I considered to be quite profound.

After a comment from a group member, the group leader said "losing weight is hard."  (This is not the profound part; I already knew that!)   She followed up that observation with this comment: "But so is being overweight."  (This isn't the profound part either; I knew that too!) We all agreed this was so.

Then she said (and this is the profound part): "So choose your hard."

Wow! 

Choose your hard.  Thinking in these terms opens up all sorts of possibilites because you realize that whichever road you take, it will be hard going.  Recognizing this helps you take your focus off the road itself and all the bumps, detours and setbacks along the way, and helps you focus rather on the destination at the end of the various roads before you.  And this helps you choose which one you want to be on.

I think this thought/perspective/motto has almost infinite applications to real life.  Life is hard and lots of things in life are hard.  Insert any action/choice/attitude and then its opposite to check out its universality and truth.

Keeping my room clean is hard.  Leaving my room a mess is hard.
Fixing the leak in the bathroom faucet is hard.  Leaving the faucet leaking is hard.
Going to work every day is hard.  Not going to work every day is hard.
Forgiving someone who is mean to me is hard. Holding a grudge against someone who is mean to me is hard.
Being patient with my kids is hard.  Being impatient with my kids is hard.
Feeding my spirit daily is hard.  Not feeding my spirit daily is hard.

They're all hard, just different brands of hard.  You have to look at the possible outcomes and weigh those to figure out which hard you want (or which you will find the least distasteful).

Living God's way is hard.  But so is living the world's way.  So choose your hard.

Manly Man Training #19: Obey at your own risk!

Often we hear about we are being risky if we choose to do something that isn't quite right. We might hear: disobey at your own risk or enter at your own risk. In reality the opposite is true as well: Obey at your own risk!

What is it we risk exactly when we choose to obey the gospel and do and become what the words of scripture and prophets both living and dead have encouraged us to become?

A young man once said to me that the church wanted everyone to become the same, cookie cutter Mormons so to speak. I could see how he came to that conclusion, because he was so used to seeing Priesthood holders coming to church wearing a white shirt and tie, typically with dark pants. Those who differentiated themselves wore a suit or maybe a bow tie at the most. In reality he was seeing only the outside part of the people. What would he think if he saw how people in other countries dressed to come to church? What about in India, or Samoa or even Thailand where their lack of tie, or their shirts in native fabrics or even wearing a lava lava?

But the real individuality that we have and that the Lord wants us to maintain and use in His work is our inner individuality.  When we get a little experience and are attentive, we see so many times in life that the Lord orchestrates opportunities for each of us to use our talents and individual strengths and even weaknesses and oddities for His work.  Missionaries are called to places where they can find and will be accepted by certain individuals.  People are brought into my own life because I have the ability to say something they need to hear in just the way they will listen, even if it is sometimes a little unorthodox.  The Lord seems to want to strengthen us in the very ways that make us unique.  We are valued by the Lord for the things that make us individuals.

So what are the risks?  Well it boils down to the fact that when you choose to obey the Lord, it is at your own risk because it will change you.  Minimally it will take other options off the table for that time period.  Secondly the experience will teach you things that you didn't previously know or understand.  It will give you experience to consider in the future and as a result of these experiences it will give you feelings and knowledge that will tend to carry you further along the path to God. 

So you risk parts of yourself that are not in conformity with Heavenly Father.  You risk sin or support for sin, or ideas that are not supportive of faith, hope and charity.  You risk rebelliousness and pig headedness, you risk being wrong more often and hurting and harming people around you.  You risk losing non celestial pursuits.  You risk being comfortable around people who are doing wrong.  You risk being able to see sin or doing sin without concern or caring.  You risk losing your ability to see someone hurt without a desire to help. 

But you do not risk your individuality!  You do not risk the things that make you who you are and the ideal recognizable pure D you.  Indeed you find the best you, the most you, that you can be.  You become and really accentuate all that makes you yourself. 

Elder James E. Faust once said, "when obedience becomes our goal, it is no longer an irritation, instead of a stumbling block, it becomes a building block....Obedience leads to true freedom.  The more we obey revealed truth, the more we become liberated." (Ensign May, 1999, p. 47 & 45)

Its a risk--go on, take it!

Marriage: get on with it.

This post is written in answer to a post on Modern Mormon Men blog written by Matt Lipps.  Please read his post by clicking here.  It will make my post even more understandable!

When I was a young man aged 18 I was planning on a mission.  I had been planning for years.  Maybe because of my uncle who was a missionary for another church and had served his life as a missionary to Haiti and was celibate throughout, it was impressed in my mind that a mission was JUST for two years and then we were expected to get onto the even more important business of building a family.  Consequently, and unusually I'll bet, I studied to be a husband and parent for years before I served a mission.  Yes, I read books on the subject, but probably more importantly I paid attention to several examples around me.  I paid attention to my Dad and Mom and how they related to each other.  I watched my sister and her husband and learned all kinds of good things for my eventual marriage.  The married ward members provided me with supplimental material as I paid attention to the little ways they showed that they cared about each other...or not.

Now I don't tell you that to make all Mormon young men think that is what they should be doing with their time.  After all, I just did that with a little bit of my time.  I still liked playing and watching sports, adventures, and of course girls.  What I am trying to say is that I think most of us have noticed some of these things about the relationships going on around us.  We have likely noted things to do and not to do in a marriage relationship from our parents.  Consequently, we are not without preparation.  Even if you have been totally inattentive or lacking in opportunity and missed it growing up, you now have time to start paying attention, learning and preparing for marriage.

So many people are worried that they are not ready to get married.  I doubt very many people can be ready due to the fact that generally we cannot anticipate adequately most of the ways that marriage requires us to learn, grow, stretch, and repent.  All we have to be is committed to the institution of marriage by accepting that it is the pattern that we need to be a part of in our life and then to choose a person (note, I do not say fall in love) but choose a person that we decide we will love and commit to not stop loving them.  Voila you have a marriage ready to start and then can get down to the real work of marriage after the ceremony.   

The real work of marriage is of course making it last forever.  If we worry over much about getting ready to marry we will be tempted to think that the work is over when we are married.  Admittedly it does feel like that after you have gone through an engagement and done all the preparation that our society demands to get married; but that is just the beginning.  Now begins the real work of learning, respecting, repenting, loving, growing spiritually and every other way, caring, accepting our weaknesses and making them into strengths or at least adequately kick-starting the change, forgiving, sacrificing and the many other things that are a part of marriage.  Then after that foundation--whether months or years--have children and dig deeper into all the things you thought you had learned, because now you have to know them well enough to teach someone else--not just think you know them enough to get by--but really know them inside and out. 

I suspect that there are additional major transitions in married life yet to come that I haven't experienced yet.  Maybe the transition we call empty nest which some might say should be called "empty next".  Then what about maintaining a marriage through the older years of loss and infirmity.  Caring enough for each other to still love even when your spouse, or maybe you, can't show it in the same ways.  Possibly finally showing that we will not forget our love, our promises and our covenants when only one of us remains here alive.  Marriage and family life are so full of transitions, major and jarring transitions (sometimes) that we can't possibly prepare for them all adequately and yet we need to move forward through them and beyond when they occur.  And don't forget learning all the cumulative lessons along the way.

You see my wife and I married shortly after each of us returned from a mission.  We had minimal money, not even a car for the first couple years we were married.  We didn't find that college courses nor low income were good enough reasons to not start having children right away.  And when our first child was born dead we continued on despite the loss and pain.  Why should we be spared the pain that many others go through?  We learned about each other and used our challenges as methods to learn to trust and depend on each other.  We always kept building our relationship and love for each other.  There were frustrations, lack of money sometimes, always plenty of ways to spend what money we did have, but we wouldn't allow that to define our marriage or each of us individually.  We even had joy throughout!  Maybe not always as much as we hoped for but enough to let us know that life was good and that we were on the right track. 

My wife and I knew each other as missionaries.  When I returned home seven months before her from our mission I knew it was time to get going on the part of life that would really define me: husband and father.  So when I considered my options a lightbulb went off in my mind when I thought I would like to marry someone like Lisa.  Why not her?!  Well there wasn't a good reason, so I waited until she finished her mission and flew to her state shere she picked me up from the airport and I asked her to marry me.  Yup, it was our first date. 

I know that in this day and age of caution and distrust, when we wonder if people are who they really seem to be and worry if they will continue in the same upward trajectory over the next many years that we find it hard to trust enough to choose.  Often we either go with our hormones alone or give up and back out.  Many let fear and uncertainty take control and we exclude ourselves until temptation or failure overcomes us.  We have a resource to help and guide us (I'm talking about God here and not just parents and siblings and etc.), we have our own best efforts and our willingness to commit.  Maybe I am most clear on the fact that I know I personally have a great influence on how things turn out--maybe we could call that confidence or maybe it is stupidity, you choose.  Sure there is much outside of my control, but I prefer to see and accept and use what is within my control to work toward the goals that I choose and have covenanted to work toward. 

The preparation for marriage was helpful, but the experience of living marriage was more worthwhile.  Reading and watching got me thinking but reality got me acting in the ways I needed to act.  Marriage is a fantastic way to learn who you really are and then repent and be better.  The best preparation for a man is not the books or even the observation (though still valuable).  The best preparation is an honorable mission.  It will probably not make you feel ready for marriage and fatherhood, but it will start or strenthen your confidence and provide humility enough for growth.  Missions also are great for young women to help them prepare for marriage.  In their case however (possibly because they are older when they serve) it seems to polish the confidence and humility and etc. that they already had inklings of. 

Oh, and a note about fears of getting married.  Heavenly Father isn't the author of fear, rather he is the author of hope.  Hope that like faith requires work and effort to make meaningful.  So ditch the fear stuff and get on with it.  If you have some emotional problems or special circumstances than get some help for those to get in better shape.  If not then carry on, move forward and see what all the marriage hullabaloo is about.

Affirmations

I was talking with a client and he expressed that he could never please his mother.  He gave a variety of examples of how she finds fault with him constantly.  Even when he tries to do something to please her she seems to find fault.  He has even tried doing what she wanted before she nagged him about it, and each time she still has found fault with it.  He had numerous examples of how she daily would come after him and complain about him in various ways. 

My question to him was could he please himself.  For him that is the real question here.  Although extremely obnoxious and discouraging when someone we love is constantly finding fault with us, it is not critical that we be able to please others.  That is, if we successfully can please ourselves consistently.  We don't have to be fully pleased with everything we do but we must be able to do things that we want done without berating ourselves regularly so that we can have successes that we can rely on when we are put down by others.  If we have confidence in ourselves then we need not have the confidence of others (although it is still enjoyable and makes things smoother in our life).  With confidence in ourselves then, we can still meet our needs and goals adequately to move forward and grow. 

There are some ways to encourage and help ourselves gain confidence.  One way that I like and encourage my client's to do on occasion is called "affirmations".  Affirmations are positive self talk. 

Affirmations come in two varieties: first is the kind of affirmation that we repeat to ourselves telling us that we are doing something well that we have not yet mastered.  In a manner of speaking we are seeing something in ourselves that is not yet evident.  It might be stating something we want to do or become in an affirmative statement.  For example, "I can feel happy."  This kind of affirmation when repeated to ourselves often enough can lead to a belief that we can and/or are that characteristic.  Some folks would call it lying to ourselves until we believe it and do it. I prefer to think of it that if we constantly express our belief that we are becoming the desired characteristic then we can begin to seriously consider our self as being that and consequently focusing on it in a new way--as a possibility instead of an impossibility.  With that done we have a better chance of success than we did previously.   

The second type of affirmation is to repeat to ourselves a list of strengths we already actually have.  An example of this is "I am kind to others".  This serves as a reminder that we DO have strengths and as we gain confidence and remember the strengths that we already have, we increase in strength and confidence to become what we want to become.  In other words using our current strengths to help overcome our weaknesses. 

In our family we started a tradition many years ago at dinner time.  We call it "successfuls".  Each person gets to tell something they did successful that day.  It must be something they did and not something they didn't do.  For example, "I didn't yell at my sister" is not acceptable, but "I was patient with my sister" is acceptable.  I believe this has been a good habit that we have created to give each person a chance to look at their day and find something successfully done.  On some days we may not feel successful or even hopeful, but when we look closely we can see many things that we did well.  However; sometimes there were days when one daughter couldn't see that she had done something successful.  Then we would allow them to ask family members to help them.  When that happened they typically would hear more than one thing they had done successful which in itself was very affirming!

An important key to affirmations is to accept that people can change, even ourselves.  We are not stuck in old patterns but we can become something different and better.  Affirmations help affirm that ability to grow and mature and be different.  Give them a try and see if they can change your outlook on things. 

Before you try affirmations, realize that you must be consistent and read them or say them or even act them out frequently.  The more senses you use the quicker you learn them and begin to make progress.  Repeat them until they are memorized and then say them frequently, even and especially when you are weak and prone to negative thoughts about yourself.  When you can remember them with minimal effort then they are close to the surface and able to really have a chance to make a difference.  They can help change your attitude and encourage belief in yourself and your ability to succeed and be who you want to be.   

Never Leave Him

[Note: Today's post comes in the words of Elder Neil L. Anderson of the Quorum of the Twelve from November 2010 Ensign p39-42]

"The road of discipleship is not for the spiritually faint of heart.

As we follow the Savior, without question there will be challenges that confront us.  Approached with faith, these refining experiences bring a deeper conversion of the Savior's reality.  Approached in a worldly way, these same experiences cloud our view and weaken our resolve.

 Offense comes in many costumes and continually finds its way onstage.  People we believe in disappoint us.  We have unanticipated difficulties.  Our life doesn't turn out exactly the way we were expecting.  We make mistakes, feel unworthy, and worry about being forgiven...It could be a hundred things.

Paul admonished, :God hath not given us the spirit of fear;...Be not...ashamed of the testimony of our Lord. (2 Timothy 1:7-8)

I promise you, as you choose not to be offended or ashamed, you will feel His love and approval.  you will know that you are becoming more like Him.

Will we understand everything?  Of course not.  We will put some issues on the shelf to be understood at a later time.

Will everything be fair? It will not.  We will accept some things we cannot fix and forgive others when it hurts.

Will we feel separated on occasion from those around us? Absolutely.

I love these words from a favorite hymn:
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never

I'll never, no never, no never forsake! (How firm a foundation #85)

Lord, to whom shall we go? though hast the words of eternal life....We believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God. (John 6:68-69)"

Stand on high ground, And don't go down, not even a little

Very often in life we find all kinds of reasons not to make a stand.  I mean there are all kinds of reasons to be wishy washy and to determine that making a stand in one area or on one particular issue will be a bother to us and our friends.  Some people will misunderstand our stand, others will quit their association with us, or others will laugh at us and still others may hate us.  All of that can be hard to deal with.  We care about what other people think.  We also care about what other people do and sometimes we follow them.  Recognizing our desire to be like others should help us know that some of them will want to be like us and will follow our example if we declare our standard.

It shouldn't be surprising that we get tempted to be weak and not make a definitive decision about standards.  If we won't make the decision in advance then maybe we'll waver under the heat and stress of the moment.  Sometimes we decide to keep the standard in our mind but don't tell others about it.  Kind of like keeping a standard secretly.  When our friends and associates don't know we have a standard then they assume we are much like them and will invite and encourage us without thinking about it to break that standard.  It is because our standards are so different from the world that this issue is a big deal.  Eventually the tire must hit the road however, and we have to act on our standard or not.  There are many weakening tactics to get us from proclaiming or being a living example of the standards.  Satan uses them all.  Embarrassment and concern with being accepted socially are two of the biggest.  When we do not declare our standards then ultimately it can be like having no standards at all--at least none different than the rest of the world.

In life many of our standards are like snap together furniture:  Most if not all standards rest on and are supported by other standards.  If one is weak then others are weak too.  If one falls then then most or all of it falls.  If one doesn't exist in our life then other standards literally don't have a leg to stand on, or in other words don't make sense or have meaning.  Our standards need to be linked together to keep each of them strong, stable and standing tall.  In addition when we 'link' with others who have similar standards then each of us becomes stronger resulting in the advice to associate with others that have similar high standards.  Ultimately the standards are there to protect us from harm. 


When we link with others we make us all stronger.  "This people have got to become of one heart and one mind.  They have to know the will of God and do it, for to know the will of God is one thing, and to bring our wills, our dispositions, into subjection to that which we do understand to be the will of God is another" (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 221).

 Consequently we get talks from General Authorities encouraging us to make a stand.  We read about those who did take stands in the Bible, Book or Mormon, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants.  When we make a stand for standards then we are standing for Christ and against Lucifer.  So it is no surprise that we get tempted, embarrassed and hurt in an effort to keep us from making that stand.  Satan would prefer we don't draw that line in the sand, so to speak, designating what we will and will not do. 

Lehonti

Amalikiah

In the Book of Mormon we read about a story of Lehonti who protects himself and his troops on the top of the hill or mountain.  Amalikiah comes with an army to take them.  He sends envoys up the mountain asking   Lehonti three times to come down.  Lehonti refuses.  Finally Amalikiah comes up the hill.  If the story stopped there it would look like Lehonti's example helped Amalikiah be a better man.  Except Amalikiah doesn't come all the way up, but close and then asks Lehonti to come down just a little.  Lehonti falls for that and eventually loses his life and the safety of those with whom he was responsible because of that seemingly minor reduction in his standard.  Lehonti thought he was in control with his guards when he went down just a little.  But that was enough for Amalikiah to put his plan into motion for Lehonti to lose everything.  

This reminds me of Karl G. Maeser, the founder of what is today Brigham Young University, who memorably taught his students concerning honor. "I have been asked what I mean by word of honor. I will tell you. Place me behind prison walls — walls of stone ever so high, ever so thick, reaching ever so far into the ground — there is a possibility that in some way or another I may be able to escape; but stand me on the floor and draw a chalk line around me and have me give my word of honor never to cross it. Can I get out of that circle? No, never! I'd die first."  Lehonti was a great guy.  He did a lot right but ultimately he went down from his lofty position just a little and that was enough to trap him.  Similarly we can be trapped and hurt if we cross the line of honor, the standards, the line drawn in the sand. 

As Elder D. Todd Christofferson said in October 2010 Conference: "To consecrate is to set apart or dedicate something as sacred, devoted to holy purposes.  True success in this life comes in consecrating our lives--that is our time and choices--to God's purposes.  In so doing, we permit Him to raise us to our highest destiny." That's what I want, my "highest destiny". 

Manly Man Training #9: Goodbye and obey

[Note:  Just to reiterate that the term "Manly Man" is synonymous with Priesthood Man or Righteous Man or Good Man.  So when I talk about a Manly Man I am talking about all that is good in a Godly way for a man to be.  Secondly if you haven't read all the Manly Man trainings I encourage you to go back and do so.  You can access them easily by (clicking here) or by going to the 'labels' section in the right column of the front page of my blog and clicking on "Manly Man" and all the trainings will be listed in reverse order.] 

Those of us with children might be familiar with some parental anxiety that often begins to come into play when the child is quite young, usually about the time when they are allowed to go to friend's homes to play.  Parents begin to think about their child's behavior when he is away from the parents.  Will they behave according to all that we have taught them?  Will they remember to be polite, say 'thank you' and all the other things that smooth our way through society?  Will they obey courtesy and family rules?  When we pick them up we often ask how things went, meaning "is their anything I need to teach them or emphasize before they come over again?"

If we haven't experienced that then we can remember as a child how it felt to know that there was something we needed to be doing, some rule to obey, some nicety to be observing.  We might look around us and see if we thought we could get away without doing it.  I remember as a child visiting my Grandmother's house in West Virginia.  My cousin Bobby and I enjoyed playing together and that evening we had been instructed to take a bath after a day full of outside sweaty play.  We got the great idea that we wouldn't really take a bath as instructed but pretend we did and fool our Moms.  We ran the bath water and put on clean clothes but miraculously they sensed (smelled?) that something was amiss and sent us back to repeat the procedure, which we did while marveling that our mother's could see through our ruse.  Sometimes when  a child we wanted to see if anyone was watching to see if we could get away with something.  Even now as adults we may be looking over our shoulder for that purpose. 

In 2 Corinthians 13:11 we read:  "Finally, brethren, farewell.  Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you."

I've been thinking about this verse and realize that even in the days of the early saints that they needed the opportunity to be tested to see if they would follow the teachings of the apostles without them present to keep an eye on things.

It appears that part of each of our tests is to see if we will follow what we know is right even without our parents, or another authority figure to observe and be quick to correct us.   

So Manly Men, I am suggesting that you be willing to do what is right, even when your wife, or some other person is not there to keep an eye on you, or even if they are there.  Can you be trusted to do what the Lord has taught, without supervision?  Can you be expected to do the right thing according to your knowledge and understanding without having to be directed?  Even when you are alone are you a Manly Man?  That is not only what the Lord is expecting and your wife is hoping for, but the only thing that will allow you to fully trust yourself. 

Pretty often I see women coming to church regularly even when their husbands choose not to or can't for one reason or another.  I see single ladies continuing to do the right thing even when they remain single and alone and feel it tremendously.  Unfortunately I don't see as many men doing the same thing.  Often single men, widowed men, or men whose wives choose to depart from the teachings of the Savior fall away.  We need to be men that do the right thing even without the support and encouragement of our spouse or others.  If we are not there yet, well then, that is a goal to work toward.  We need to have an independent testimony that if necessary can stand alone if our spouse or other supports are gone or lost. 

After all Christ had to prove himself even when left alone on the cross.  He had to have his test to prove he would follow through on what he had been taught and prepared for even without the Spirit to help.  He followed through wondrously which of course allows all of us to have options for eternity.  Similarly we have a wife, children and/or other family depending on us to do the right thing even when we are not observed.  To a degree, some of their options for eternity depend on our choices, on our private righteous behavior.  Can we be trusted?

We can trust in God but can he trust us?

To Be or not to be?

Lynn G. Robbins of the Quorum of the Seventy made some remarks in conference that initially intrigued me and since have really stuck with me.  He talked about being and doing.  It is about who you are as a person versus your behavior.  He pointed out that these two things are different.  That what you do isn't as important as who you are.  Or more directly what you do isn't necessarily representative of who you are.  He suggests that our emphasis be put on becoming more like the Savior and that will lead to actions that are indeed more like him.  Our behavior will change to represent who we are as we become a better more Christ-like person. 

We have often been encouraged to do what we are asked of the Lord willingly.  In essence Elder Robbins is telling us to directly work on and change our inner selves and our outer self will change along with us to reflect who we really are. 

It reminded me of times in my life where I had known the right thing to do but didn't want to do it.  I even consciously knew it was right and knew I should want to do it, but alas I didn't really want to do it.  Ultimately my way of handling that conflict was that I wanted to want to do the right thing but I wasn't at that point yet.  Over time my wanting to want to be better helped prepare me to be the person inside that would lead to the actions I knew were right but did not yet do.    When our character and our actions match, peace and happiness are much more achievable!

Elder Robbins points out we make lists of things to do, but not lists of things to be.  He explains that we can check off things on the to do list when they are done, but we can't check off things to be, because they continue and don't end.  Consequently being is a lifetime commitment rather than doing, which is a time frame commitment.  Interestingly we complain about some commitments required or encouraged by the church (i.e. the time it takes to move a neighbor, the time to prepare for an activity or a lesson, and so forth) so we can go back home to remain the person we were without any permanent change.  It could possibly inhibit permanent change because we feel like we have done enough for the moment.  Permanent change is of course what the Lord is requiring. 

I couldn't help but wonder though if doing good things in a hypocritical way couldn't eventually lead us back to being what the Lord wants us to be, or at least encourage us to become better?  It didn't seem to work too well for the hypocrites of Christ's time.  It seems that if we choose to refrain from doing good because we don't feel like it then we are missing out on critical experience, so it must be worthwhile in some way or form to do the right thing even when we are not doing it willingly, or with the right spirit. 

I realize now that his talk was primarily a parenting talk but as I heard it I understood it as a motivational and explanatory, nuts and bolts, kind of talk for individuals.  (Kind of on the order of the book, The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner) When I read and studied the talk I realized it has huge value as a parenting talk and could be developed into a parenting class by leading a group in finding practical concrete ways of implementing what he teaches.

How do we approach the "to be" part of his talk.  How do we influence who we are becoming?  The world would like us to believe that we are developing but there isn't a whole lot we can do about who we are the world says.  The world would say that we cannot directly influence our behavior.  Elder Robbins teaches us that being taught and hearing (responding) to the word of God can impact who we are.  You see we believe in change, even a mighty change and that all are capable of that change to grow toward being like Christ. 

This talk is awesome!  Learn to be and not just do.

Guest Blog: Stay in Your Lane

I drove to Richmond for a routine doctor’s appointment this past Monday.  The clock told me it was not rush hour, but the traffic on the six-lane freeway told me otherwise.  I was in the middle lane, going slightly over the posted speed limit (which in Virginia is the de facto speed limit).  I was not obstructing traffic by going too slowly, nor was I driving like one of those speed demons who constantly dart and weave from one lane to the other, trying to win a race in which they are the only contestant.  But cars in both the left- and right-hand lanes continued to pass me by, their drivers rushing on to their own appointments, lunch dates, and jobs.

Ten years ago, I would have been bothered somewhat by this.  I would have felt the urge to speed up a little, to match the rhythm of the traffic around me.  Or I would have felt I needed to move to the far right-hand lane, to make way for the drivers I was inconveniencing by following the law in the middle lane. 

But today, I keep my steady pace, in my chosen lane, comfortable with my choice; able to allow that others can also choose—while recognizing that I need not be swayed by their choices. 

Like so many little things in life, this reminded me of a bigger thing.  So if you’re headed in the right direction, and you’re going the right speed, don’t let what others do influence you.  Don’t be lured into entering their races, or changing lanes to accommodate their wishes.  Stay in your lane, and you’ll end up where you want to be.

X-drive

Teach or Protect

I was reading Hilary's blog entitled Help a Brother Out (click to go to it) and it occurred to me that of the parents she had mentioned, one had taught their child and the other had protected their child.

Protecting your child:  As parents that is one of our mandates is to protect our children.  But there are times and ages when protecting them is not healthy and doesn't prepare them for the future or better equip them for life.  As a matter of fact protecting them from consequences of their actions is often enabling them to continue with bad habits or poor choices.  When we protect them, not only allows them to continue without consequences, but gives them the message that it is acceptable or even preferable to avoid them or find others to take responsibility for their actions.  What follows is blame.  "It's my parents fault, It's my spouses fault, it's anybodys fault except mine."



In my line of work I see lots of parents who enable their children and protect them from things that they think their children do not deserve or cannot handle.  It is of key importance to note that when we protect our children (sometimes even if that is the right choice) they will often see it or feel it as an admission by the parent that they are incapable of learning the lesson, accepting the consequences or that they are not good enough.  After all if the parent needs to step in to protect or excuse them then they must not be good enough to get it.  That can lead to a feeling of entitlement or "I shouldn't have to be held responsible or accountable for my actions".  Conversely when we let them reap as they have sown we show trust that they are capable of learning, have adequate maturity to learn the hard lessons and that they are growing up. 

 

The other option as a parent is to teach them with tools that they can use and adapt to future experiences that prepares them for the rest of their life.  This reminds me of the quote by Joseph Smith "Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves." As parents we need to teach them lasting principles that will have application throughout their lives rather than limited application principles that weaken them and ill-prepare them for the future.  Naturally the timing of "letting them govern themselves" is important as well.

So the difficulty for the parent then is determining what is the best solution to the current situation. Teaching lasting principles, quite frankly, is usually more difficult.  As a small example for little children, teaching them to pick up their own toys rather than just do it ourselves can be a difficult choice.

As parents we need to look to the day when we are out of business as a parent and train/prepare our children to parent themselves with that goal in mind.  I realize that making that statement as a man sounds like I can hardly wait to have the children out of the home.  Not the case.  But because of the current ages of my children I do find it comforting and joyful to see some of the lessons I have tried to teach come to fruition in their lives as they carry on without my daily ministrations or even advice.  I don't stop being their parent but my role changes drastically from days gone by. 


As a near empty nest parent myself, it can begin to feel lonely but fulfilling as I look back on my "body of work" as a parent and especially when some fruit of that work starts to appear.  

Fence in fence out

 or

My daughter Hilary is starting to understand the fences that we need in our lives.  She is a child who has always liked fences because they have made her feel safe but now she is understanding them.  (Click here to see her blog: "Looking for a Fence")

What I'm seeing in her blog that brings a lot of joy to this parent is that she now has taken responsibility for her own fences and is learning how to decide where to put them and maintain them.  Placing fences while maintaining plenty of room for growth and learning yet small enough to stay out of trouble and minimize temptations.

Fences not only keep us in but keep other things out.  Fences are necessary to help us determine how to act and respond to situations that come up.  Often the situations are surprises and need a ready made response.  I remember when I was a young man and President Kimball was the President of the Church.  He gave the youth the advice to make decisions about keeping commandments while we were young.  Decide not to break that commandment and then when the situation arises with an opportunity to break it then I am already prepared with my chosen response.  That tact has worked well for me and greatly minimized the pressure and momentary feelings that could have led me down unwanted paths.   

Fences can be comforting and provide a feeling of safety as well as a reality of safety.  If we place them well and they are strong and meaningful fences then we can go up to them and look over and be glad that we are inside where we are comfortable and free. 

There are some fences that can make us feel imprisoned and make us want out.  With those fences things look better on the outside and we don't like being stuck or imprisoned inside.  These fences can be made by others but sometimes are made by ourselves as well.  These kind of fences typically are made at a time in our lives when we are not fully aware of the consequences of our actions.  For example we can make choices that will imprison us literally and those fences would not be particularly comforting but will be stark reminders of our guilt and loss of freedom.  But there are choices we can make that will imprison us mentally, emotionally or even spiritually for a time.  Sometimes even another person can make choices that will imprison us emotionally for a time.  That last group can be especially tough. 

Here is an example from my life of when an emotional fence was built.  The consequences in this case are minor but they never-the-less are real.  In the first year of our marriage I was making a cake.  This was something that I had little experience doing but I was gladly doing it that day.  Maybe it was because Lisa was sick.  She was pregnant with our first child.  Midway through the making of that cake Lisa became more distressed and I postponed the completion of the cake, thinking I would finish later.  Before that day was done we were in the hospital and our first child was stillborn.  There was a lot of anguish and anxiety prior to that and the day seemed long and harrowing.  The result has been, for the last 25 years, that every time I contemplate making a cake the feelings of that day return and I have not even attempted a cake to this day.  I have managed an ice cream cake on a couple of occasions so all was not lost.  :)   

Things can happen in our lives that coincidentally get connected in our minds, maybe for the rest of our lives.  These connections can impact our lives for a long time and connections nor the impact are necessarily conscious.   

Sometimes our fences are not a response to choices but to circumstances.  Another person can impact us so severely emotionally that we build fences to protect us even when we do not need protecting or the situation doesn't warrant the fence.  Our choices can have an equally powerful emotional impact on us such that we can feel and be influenced by a decision, possibly one that seemed small at the time, for years to come.  As one example: choices that some people make to drive impaired whether from alcohol, drugs or texting or even anger can lead to catastrophes that will be a part of us for years. However if no catastrophe occurs we can repeat those dangerous actions maintaining the possibility of great harm. 

Our decisions in life are a type of fence.  Not just what we determine will be our limits and morals, but our daily decisions that lead to our reputation or our work ethic or even what we laugh at or do with our time.  Those habits and actions can fence us in by the perceptions or responses of others.  Nowadays things we put on the Internet can impact us and come back to haunt us.  Decisions we make can build or break down fences whether we want them to or not.

So the moral is, lets choose our fences wisely and find ones that are not just barriers but pleasant reminders of who we are and/or want to be and remind us of our goals.  Let's not inadvertently build fences that cause harm to us or others and become roadblocks in our lives.  If we already have destructive fences, let's dismantle them and move on.  Fences are great protections and can provide comfort and satisfaction.  Let us construct beautiful and helpful fences so we can grow to our potential rather than ugly destructive blockages that shunt us down twisted paths with ruts of regret. 

Here is an example of a mental fence in a quote:

Whether you think that you can,

or that you can't,

you are usually right.

-Henry Ford-

Offended? Me?

This week I've had two opportunities to teach lessons about something that has caught my eye and my thoughts from November conference 2010.  Elder Andersen gave the talk entitled "Never Leave Him".  Of course the "Him" is Christ.  One of the ways that he spoke of has been on my mind as I considered it and have looked at my life to see how it fit. 

 
 (click on his picture to go to his talk)

He said, "The Lord said, 'Thou mayest choose for thyself.'
"I promise you, as you choose not to be offended or ashamed, you will feel his love and approval.  You will know that you are becoming more like Him."
"Will we understand everything?  Of course not.  We will put some issues on the shelf to be understood at a later time."
"Will everything be fair?  It will not.  We will accept some things we cannot fix and forgive others when it hurts."
"Will we feel separated on occasion from those around us?  Absolutely."
"Will we be astonished at times to see the anger a few feel toward that Lord's Church and their efforts to steal the struggling faith of the weak? Yes. But this will not deter the growth or destiny of the Church, nor need it impede the spiritual progress of each of us as disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ."

My conclusion to date is that being offended is a temptation.  Somebody says or does something that could be offensive and we are tempted to be offended.  If offended then we act in ways that are not in harmony with the gospel.  Being offended we are disinclined to forgive, be kind, or even associate with the person in a positive way.  But if we refuse to succumb to the temptation and either forgive outright, 'put it on the shelf' as Elder Andersen says or choose to view it in a different light then we leave all the good options open and do not open up all the options that cause anger or pain or disappointment or depression.

So if we follow Elder Andersen's counsel then we avoid what is mentioned in 2 Nephi 27:31-32:  "For assuredly as the Lord liveth they shall see that the terrible one is brought to naught, and the scorner is consumed, and all that watch for iniquity are cut off:
And they that  make a man an offender for a word, and lay a snare for him that reproveth in the gate, and turn aside the just for a thing of naught."

I like to avoid problems so I will choose to not be offended.  (Remind me of that if I need that sometime.) 

I like what Pres. Hinckley said about it too: "So many of us make a great fuss of matters of small consequence.  We are so easily offended.  Happy is the man who can brush aside the offending remarks of another and go on his way." (Oct. 2007 Conference)

"Brush aside" I like that imagery.  I see me moving my hand in a 'brush aside' motion to symbolize my doing that.  But the real work would be in my mind to not run it around in my head repeatedly and to not think poorly of the offender. 

This topic has been a purveyor of some spiritual promptings this week.  Not the least of which has been that when I read it early in the week I was given forewarning that it would be a good choice for the devotional at High Council meeting which I not been asked to do until two days later.  Then again that it would make a good talk when I went to another ward today, where I wasn't expected to give a talk but did indeed fill in their program for about 15-20 minutes.  The Lord knows what he is doing.  I've had some comments that these remarks about not being offended were what was needed in both circumstances.  Interestingly I've felt like it needed to be in my blog too.  So maybe its for you? 

As luck would have it I've been tempted to be offended this very week.  So I'm learning and being influenced for good at the very time I'm doing the same for others.  So things are working according to His plan as usual.