Spotlight on Women #1: Are we not all mothers?

In life it seems that we all have the opportunity to be or play the part of mother at some point at least briefly.  Many women spend many years if not their whole life being and doing mother.  That may sound odd, but at one time or another we all do indeed have the chance to do motherly things and be motherly people to those needing mothering.  Whether we have our own children or not and even whether or not we are a woman or a man; we still play that leadership/mentorship role in the development of children whether it be a few hours, days or a lifetime. 

Some readers will recognize that the title of this post comes from a talk by Sheri Dew

Sheri Dew mentioned an experience that she had when she had taken several of her nieces on a trip to a big city.  She knew her sisters had trusted her with their safety but wasn't overly concerned about that until they were walking to the closest church for a meeting and found themselves among a bunch of drunken revelers who they had to walk through to get to the church.  She goes on to say "Feeling no small amount of anxiety, I turned toward the girls, gathered them around me, and shouted over the din, 'Stay right with me.  Don't take your eyes off me.'  With that I began to maneuver my way through the crush of humanity, constantly looking behind me to make sure the girls were right there.  The only thing on my mind was my nieces' safety.  there were moments when I truly feared we would not make it to the church in one piece.  Drunken men with boa constrictors draped around their necks and adolescents brandishing weapons sometimes blocked our way.  It was intimidating to say the least."

I've had some occasions over the years when I was in charge of a number of children and constantly was looking to see where they are to be sure they were safe and to make myself available immediately if they needed help, training or teaching or direction or even comfort.  That is what mother's often do--provide whatever is needed at the proper time.  And some mothers become aware of that time before their kids even know it and that guidance is given and consequently not even noticed since the child didn't feel the crisis before being nudged in the right direction.

But the truth is that the term mother isn't just about maternity and having children.  Being a mother is a skill set that tends to be there with women (and I believe can be developed to some degree in men).  That mothering ability can in emerge whenever needed whether it be with a person's own children, another child in need or even providing motherly comfort or advice to an adult.   

I remember a story that my mother told me about herself when she was a little girl of around five or so.  Another child was playing near her at a park and fell and got hurt and started crying.  That child was larger than my Mom at the time but she rushed over to help the child and "mothered" it despite her young age and small size. 

Being a mother is part of a woman and not limited to only women who have had children.  Don't we often see that a wife ends up mothering her husband?  Maybe we could say that mothering is a quality and not a condition.  The interesting thing with that quality is that the world is combining against that skill trying to diminish, minimize, limit and destroy it.  It is easy to see why when you consider that the more success he has killing the desire and ability to mother then he can negatively impact the lives of huge numbers of children who will not have receive the vital caring and mentoring provided by a mother.  That lack alone has and will continue to contribute to the difficulties that ours and other societies are having.  As Sheri Dew says, "what a mother teaches a child doesn't get erased." and "few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother that bore us and the mothers who bear with us".

Sometimes the question of comparing motherhood to priesthood arises.  Sheri Dew says this about that: "Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with the privilege of priesthood ordination.  it was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave woman an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate.  As President J. Reuben Clark, Jr., declared, motherhood is 'as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.'"

So ladies, when you are tempted (and I mean that literally) to downplay your role, whether it is just in your mind, word or in action please remember that your motherly skills, are indispensable to both genders and to God's plan for us all.  Please know that despite much of the world buying into the tempters plan to diminish the role of mothers, that there are many men and women alike that realize its eternal value to us individually and to the race as a whole.  It doesn't matter it the woman are young or old, large or small, strong or weak,brilliant or slow, we need all their contributions, every one!  Remember this preeminent gift that you have and please use it freely, we all need it. 

Kissing the scriptures

I have a co-worker who is Islamic.  We have enjoyed talking together about religion among other things.  He is from the far East and here in our country he is a leader in his religion.  He had met other LDS folks before and was somewhat aware of some of our beliefs.  In talking with him we realized that there are a lot of beliefs and practices that we have in common. 

In the beliefs area we believe in God and have several prophets that are the same.  Basically the old testiment prophets Moses, Abraham and others, along with Christ are major prophets in his religion. 

In the practices area he highly values his family and they are taught that family comes first.  They also highly value education and believe it is incumbant on them to get as much education as possilble.  In addition they believe it is important for the growth and happiness of the family to marry in their own religion.  We have discussed these things together and enjoyed finding common ground in our lives. 



One day he ask me if we had scripture that was unique to us.  I informed him that we believe and study the Bible, as well as the Book of Mormon, The Pearl of Great Price and the Doctrine and Covenants.  He asked if it would be appropriate for him to get a copy and read it or was it only for members.  I informed him that it was great for others to read it and said I would get him a copy.  As I thought about it I decided to give him the scritpures I used as a young youth before my mission.  They were a leather bound quad.  I wanted to be sure to give him a Pearl of Great Price in addition to the others because of the parts about Moses and Abraham.  So I gave him my old scriptures.

It was a unique experience for me to give him that book.  He very seriously received them with both hands and then brought them to his lips and kissed them and thanked me for them.  He assured me that he would read them. 

I was touched by the way he received the scriptures and thought how we in our religion often treat them poorly or take them for granted.  We tend to give scriptures to our children in hopes that they will read and study them early in life and as a result they sometimes get tossed around, pushed under the couch or bed, the trunk of the car and sometimes forgotten.  It did not appear that he would treat them that way. 

He has since informed me that he is reading the parts I pointed out about Moses and Abraham and has even quoted from them in his religious instruction to his congregants.  It is a pleasure to see how he has accepted the scriptures and I wonder if we shouldn't treat scriptures with more care and appreciation as the word of God. 

Alert: New year approaching, new beginnings recommended

Alas 2010 is coming to an end and we are about to begin a new never used fresh year.  A chance for all of us to become a little or a lot more like the person we really want to be.  Do you have things about yourself you are tired of or are embarrassed about?  Do you have new ways you want to act, think and be?  If so this is a good time to work towards those things.  Life has many beginnings and endings and this is another big chance.  However; a little warning, you shouldn't count on many more opportunities because we never know when our chances end.  [Yeah, you are right, I am thinking of Dad and although his chances haven't ended he is not consciously able to make the changes in this realm that we currently are.]

This time of year all kinds of lists come out "The best of 2010"  and of course "The worst of 2010".  Many folks like to make goals and resolutions to make changes in the new upcoming year.  Religion encourages us to make changes through repentance which is available daily/hourly and by the second.  But the New Year is a big chance to look at our strengths and foibles of the past and resolve to work harder or maybe continue our hard effort to make the changes and be the person we want to be in the future.

 For Christmas I gave Megan a necklace that represents 'New Beginnings'.  It seemed appropriate as she just recently returned from a mission so needs to return to 'normal life' a new beginning.  Of course she will incorporate many things from her great mission opportunities but in many ways she gets to change her template (oh, excuse me I am learning some blog talk), and re-establish what will get the emphasis and highest value in her life.  Her name will stay the same just like all of us but who will she be.  Just like all of us our changes will likely be minor but this new beginning for her is bigger, due to having a larger change.  Consequently even her minor changes can have larger results for now and the future.  That is why I purchased this necklace for her gift this year.  Not just to commemorate her 'new beginnings' now but to also remind her that one can always improve and strive to become that person we see ourselves as in our minds eye.

I hope we can all contemplate who we are and consider who we want to be and make plans to move a little closer to our ideal and farther away from mistakes and errors of the past.

I thought to end this with the encouraging "Good Luck!" but really that isn't it at all because I'm talking about evaluation and effort so maybe I should say "Plan well!" or "Do It" or some such thing.  Maybe Jean Luc Picard said it best "Make it so!"  I'd like to hear your suggestions.  What would be a good encouraging short statement of hope for us this year.  Let me hear it in the comments.

Christmas Tradition part 9: down real late and up early

Christmas has always been an exciting time for me.  Sleeping when I was a child was difficult but eventually I would be overcome and fall asleep but would wake early Christmas morning wondering what Santa Claus, then my parents might give me for Christmas.  Later I enjoyed being Santa Claus to our children and even though they all know that my wife and I have been Santa for a long time I still find it lots of fun to plan and then put out presents and stockings on Christmas Eve. 

This is always very late at night because I want to be sure that they are asleep and that when I put out the stockings that they will be seen for the first time when they wake up and come into the family room.  Well as the kids have gotten older that has gotten harder because they are constantly staying up nowadays and doing their own Christmas surprises and that means I get to bed pretty late and the consequences are that I am tired Christmas Evening.  You'll probably hear more about that in another blog. 

So here I am Christmas Eve.  Lisa has long gone to bed because she knows I'll be up late and she prefers to be rested the next day (imagine that).  Megan has built a barricade fort like structure in the living room to wrap and finish her Christmas surprises behind.  So on the other side of her barricade I am putting together the only present that needs assembling this year.

When the kids were young I sometimes had to assemble some Christmas presents after they went to bed and that would keep me up a little late.  And this time it wasn't anything that was real complicated or had a lot of parts but was something that just took time.  I was putting together the new piano bench that I was giving to Lisa for Christmas.  It is extra long and padded and has adjustable height.  I had noticed in recent months that the current or as I write this the 'old piano bench' was getting pretty rickety and it seemed likely at some point it might collapse entirely.  So a new upgraded bench seemed like a good gift idea.  So there I was attaching the legs to it.  It had come in the mail in a largish box and to my chagrin had printed in five inch letters on each side of the box "piano bench".  I lucked out though because it had arrived while we were in Washington DC and was sitting on the front porch when we got back with the porch light off at night.  So I was able to get it in the house and covered by my coat before anyone else saw what it was.  Success!  Surprise is still possible although after years of trying to do surprises I knew it was not assured. 

So there we are in our living room with Megan on one side wrapping presents and me on the other side of this barricade of furniture putting together the bench.  We are carrying on a good conversation and I am finding it enjoyable having this conversation while doing this assembly work rather than by myself as usual. 

I decide this year that I'll put Lisa's stocking on the new bench so she can get her big present right from the start rather than save it to the end.  My decision to do this is influenced largely by a Christmas a couple years ago when my brother Jim was visiting.  In my effort for the big surprise that year I had come across what I figured would be the perfect gift for my wife and one that surely she could not anticipate that I would give her.  It was large and when I brought it out from it's hiding place at the end of the gift opening with everyone sworn to keep their eyes closed as I am triumphantly bringing it in the room my brother (who was visiting that year) blurts out "that looks like a..." and of course names the gift.  At the time I found it less than pleasurable but nowadays it has become such a great joke and fun memory for us all I am sure that it will live on in family lore much longer than if my surprise had been successful.   

So after completing the bench and getting everything set up with help from a couple of elves all is ready for tomorrow and I can go to sleep. So all is set for Christmas morning! 

I know I won't get much sleep because a certain daughter who has a tradition of her own--that of being the first to get up and come in to our bed room suggesting it is time to get up and go down stairs to open presents.  That daughter used to beg, whine and cajole us in that early Christmas hour to get up and let them go open the presents.  In those days the kids were little and so we would tell them it was too early but they could pile in our bed and sleep until it was time to get up.  Her goal and tradition was to always be the first one in our room.  It is a point of pride for her now to continue that.  There have been a couple of attempts by other daughters to wake up first but as all attempts have fallen short and they now sleep until the appointed time sometimes needing to be awakened by us!  Things do change.     

The gift I wish I could give

I am here sitting on the couch in front of the white Christmas tree.  The one with the hand made Christmas balls and photo frames from the girls years of growing up.  Everyone is in bed and I have nearly all the lights off in the house and am just looking at the tree with it's white lights and splashes of color coming from the ornaments.  I'm seeing what thoughts enter my head as I contemplate Christmas now only five days away. 

It occurs to me as I think of the girls that I wish I could give the gift of happiness to each one of them this year.  It seems funny to me that I would think of this because I think they all are happy.  I'm not sure that it is the gift that they need right at the moment.  At least they seem happy much of the time.   

Each one of them certainly has their stresses and concerns and has to work individually to fulfill their various needs: physical mental and spiritual.  Just like all of us.  I don't even want to take that away.  I want them to have to work and struggle, realizing that will build strength for them and help them in life.

Then why do I wish that I could give them happiness?  Am I unhappy, am I projecting my own unhappiness on each of them wishing that they could be happier than I am or some such thing?  I don't think so.  I feel happy, at least adequately so.  I am pleased with what is happening in my life and feeling like plenty of good is coming out of my life and it seems like plenty of good is coming from their lives as well.  Sure they have things to learn and plenty to do to grow in life.  Experiences to have, people to love and maturity to be gained.  Sure they each have quirks that may need conquering and things they could be doing to better themselves, but I am pleased with them and with each one of their efforts to grow and to recognize and approach and achieve their potential. 

I really enjoy giving them gifts in hopes of surprising them and finding something that is helpful and meaningful to them.  My ideal gift would be one that both said "I love you so much that I have paid attention and realized this was something that you would like" and says to them "I observe you and understand you and this gift will help you see yourself more clearly".  I would like my gifts to give insight, comfort, strength or happiness to them.  Something to open their eyes to see themselves more clearly.  Maybe what I really want is to help those I love see themselves as I do that they are good and loved and to have happiness and confidence result for a time.

As I look back I think of things I have given as presents in the past and there are two things I have given repeatedly and realize I will be giving again this Christmas as well.  Two things that I believe are symbolic to the receivers if they will open their eyes and minds to get the symbolism.   

What are those things you ask?  I give hearts which of course symbolize love and acceptance and I give blankets which symbolize warmth and comfort.  Maybe those are the things I have found that most closely match my desire to tell others what I think and how I feel for them.  I don't necessarily feel that is all I want to give but those two things I find giving over and over.  Ask my wife how many hearts she has in her collection, or maybe my daughters how many blankets they have received over the years.  Do they know my feelings about these things?  Do they see beyond the thing to the symbol and know it's meaning as I give it to them and my hopes for them?  Do they realize that I believe that as they are warm and loved that they are free to be happy and to embrace life more fully, even it's challenges and hurts? 

Well, realistically they will read this and know, but the real question is will they feel?  Over time they will, I believe.  It may not be now, but as they grow and especially if they have their own children then they will begin to see and feel what I see and feel about them and they will better understand my desire to give them happiness through giving them love and warmth. 

Needless to say the best way I can give this to them as a gift isn't with the blankets or the heart shaped things, but rather those are only symbols and reminders.  I really have to give it to them by example, by showing them how to love and be loved, by showing them how to be warm toward others and to allow themselves to be warmed and comforted.  I hope I am doing that adequately, I think I am. 

I hope they can be...not so much what I want them to be...not even so much what they want to be...but I hope they can find their way to be what God has for them to be and I hope they will not settle for anything less.  And though I anticipate my example will have failures and at other times will do great good for them and that my symbols as gifts will at times be misunderstood and/or lost, I hope they will nonetheless find their way to seeing their true value and strengths and weaknesses as God sees them so they can fully realize their identity as not just my children but as His children--Children of God.