Yin and Yang

I'm a school counselor, and several years ago our daughter Megan was married on the last day of school, about 2,000 miles from where we live.  At the time our youngest daughter was still in high school, with final exams scheduled the week of Megan's wedding.


While my husband and his mom flew out the Saturday prior to the Thursday wedding, my two youngest daughters and I couldn't fly out until Wednesday, just a day before the wedding.  As I was packing Tuesday evening, my mind fast-forwarded to Sunday, and our late-afternoon return.  I started mentally inventorying the contents of the freezer and pantry, making virtual plans for Sunday dinner after our return home.

While in Utah we stayed with some good friends (Rick and Kim) from our own college days, and one evening the talk turned to meals.  I mentioned that I had already made plans for our upcoming Sunday dinner, 2,000 miles and two days away.  Kim nodded, having made similar preparations many times in the past when her family was in circumstances similar to ours.  I commented that our Sunday meal probably hadn't even crossed Dallas's mind.  He agreed, and further explained that he figured when he got hungry, he was perfectly capable of opening up the cupboard and finding something for himself to eat.  Rick was simpatico with Dallas's sentiments.

Not a big thing really, but I've thought about it a bit, trying to understand and appreciate the differences in our perceptions and plans.  I know part of it has to do with routines and division of labor.  For example, in our home, I plan and prepare the vast majority of our meals.  But I think some part of it also has to do both with how we perceive our roles and how we perceive the abilities and responsibilities of others.  And I wonder if there isn't a small part left over that can even be traced to our natures.

The women I know are generally more focused on taking care of others than the men I know. 

It seems sometimes that men, often having confidence and autonomy themselves, figure that others are just as confident and autonomous.  I wonder if they figure that other people can take care of themselves, or ask for help if they can't.  On the other hand, it seems that women often step in and serve and succor, since to many of them these acts are ways of expressing their concern, caring and love.

I'll bet that sometimes, we--meaning men and women--both miss the mark.  Women who are serving out of love might send the unintended message that the recipient is incapable of accomplishing a given task for themselves.  Men who assume that someone who doesn't ask for help doesn't need any might seem uncaring to a person unable to bring themselves--for reasons including shyness, embarrassment, shame, etc.--to ask for assistance they might need.

We can probably learn from each other in this--as in most things.