What I've Been Reading #14: Special Edition

I completed the book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.  I read the book because I had wanted to see the movie when it came out earlier in the year, but missed it.  Since my experience tells me that the book is always better I thought I might as well read the book and then see the movie when it comes out on DVD. 

As expected after having read about the movie and seeing previews of the movie, the book was about Oskar Schell a 9 year old boy whose father died in the 911 events.  Oskar is not your typical child nor is he a typical boy.  Quirky and unique Oskar deals with his father's death in a very unexpected manner.

Because of the closeness Oskar had with his father and the very original activities they shared, Oskar is lead into a truly odd way of dealing with his father's death.  Oskar finds a vase in his father's closet with a small envelope with an unusual key in it.  On the envelope it says "Black".  Because he and his father have done similar things when his Dad was alive Oskar determines that this is his father's way of telling him something and now he just has to figure out what the key goes to in order to know what his father wanted to tell him.  So we are off to the races as Oskar with his great intellect and original creativity seeks to find his father's meaning.  The story is really great.  It is a real testament to how close and influential a father son relationship can be. 

However, there is an additional story that is woven through the book.  Oskar's grandparents have a unique story of their own.  Oskar doesn't know his grandfather and has never met him.  But the story of his grandparents marriage and relationship is told very open with sometimes too much detail. 

This second story serves as a counter point to show how hurtful a father's relationship can be as well--only this story is told from the father's relationship.  How emotionally harmed he is because of his poor choices with his son. 

The point seems to be that father's and son's desperately need the relationship with each other to have a meaningful existence.  Two other much shorter father-son stories are in the book as well.  One positive and one negative.  The author shares his point again that father's need their sons and sons need their fathers. 

The book left me a bit confused about whether I liked it or not.  There were parts that I found objectionable balanced by parts that I found very affirming of good.  Once again the balance, maybe intended by the author, forcing, I think, the reader to determine the meaning of the book.  Most likely each reader's determination of the meaning will be determined by their own relationship with their father, and that unwritten relationship influencing the reader will ultimately determine what the reader gains from the book. 

Then today, by chance, I saw a movie that helped me to put this book in perspective:  Facing the Giants.  This movie is an earlier one by the same group that put out Courageous which I have raved about in the past.  This movie is great as well.  Strong on the Christian values and slightly preachy, it touches the heart, especially male hearts.

There is a part in the movie's story that really touched me however and continued this theme of father son relationships from the book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. 

A young man and his father move into the little town portrayed there.  The father is a college professor and is in a wheelchair.  His son is a soccer player but the town doesn't have soccer at the school, only football.  So the father encourages the son to try out and he does, but he is intimidated by the sport but is kept on the team as a back up kicker.  Consequently he plays very little.  The couch gives him a few opportunities to kick field goals throughout the season but mostly he rides the bench.  Each of the few times he kicks a field goal his father calls his name after his son is lined up and in an encouraging gesture from a seated position in his wheel chair raises both his arms straight up to indicate "You can do it". 

After losing their first three games miserably, the team ends up making it to the state finals through a variety of miracles.  As you might guess the game comes down to needing a field goal with 2 seconds left for the win.  The first string kicker is hurt during the game and so it is up to the young man with weak confidence.  But there is a problem.  A 51 yard field goal is needed and this young man has never hit one from that distance.  His longest field goal even in practice has been only 39 yards.  The coach encourages him but the young man tells the coach that he can't do it.  The coach sends him to the field anyways and the boy lines up to kick.  He is shaking his head as he lines up because he knows he cannot do what is required.  His coach sees the boys utter lack of confidence and wishes he could call a time out to encourage him more but they have used all their time outs.  The father calls the boys name to do his normal encouraging symbol but the boy refuses to look because he is so utterly sure he cannot do it that he will not allow himself to receive any encouragement. 

 

The opposing coach calls a time out to "ice the kicker".  The coach does his best during the time out to encourage the kicker and when he returns to the field and lines up to take his kick this time he looks over to his father's spot to allow his Dad to encourage him.  Now the boy wants to try his best.  But his father and his wheelchair are gone.  The boy is surprised and disappointed but must do his part.  He looks to the goal post down the field to get his bearings and there is his Dad standing just behind the fence behind the goal post.  Standing on unsteady legs, leaning forward against the fence to hold himself up with his arms raised straight up from his sides to encourage his son.  In essence saying "We can do hard things".

The kicker now will give it his all after the strong words of encouragement from his coach and his father who has done a hard thing to encourage his son.  The ball is hiked and he steps to the ball to kick it with all that he has.  He kicks the ball so hard that the motion pulls his left leg out from under him and he ends up on his back.  Yes the ball splits the uprights and the game it won.  Good prevails one more time.

So what is it about fathers and sons and the profound relationship of love and encouragement that they have between the two of them.  What is it about the son who listens, trusts and honors his father that makes the Father want to be a better man?  What is it about the father who loves, respects and encourages his son that makes the son want to do his best and be just like his Dad?  This relationship has the potential to really determine the path of both of them. 

Please father's don't let your sons down.  And sons, honor your fathers and that will help them be more worthy fathers. 

Here is a trailer from the movie Facing the Giants:

Here is the part of the movie that I've described above.  Little does the coach know that God wasn't done with him for that day.  Watch the movie to get the rest of the story!

Guest blog: An unnecessary lie

William H. Macy told an unnecessary lie

Awhile back I saw this headline on aol news:

"Actor Has Not Lied in 20 Years"

This intrigued me, so I clicked on the body of the article to read more:

"Around 20 years ago, actor William H. Macy told an unnecessary lie to someone that could have potentially helped him with a project."

I didn't read any further.  All my attention and thoughts were riveted on the phrase "unnecessary lie".

What does that mean exactly, an "unnecessary lie?"  My next thought was this: if there is such a thing as an "unnecessary lie", then it must follow that there is such a thing as a "necessary lie".  Are there really things that legitimately fall into this category?  What kinds of things?  Things you say to spare someone's feelings when your honest feedback might be hurtful?  ("Your new haircut looks great!")  False or misleading information given to protect your privacy, or a loved one's safety?  (I was tempted to give a fake phone number recently when a retailer asked for my home phone number at the checkout.)  What would be the criteria by which a lie would be judged to be "necessary" or "unnecessary?"  Who would make that judgment? 

Is honesty really always the best policy?

I guess the answer to that question depends on this question: best for who? 

Lots of questions today, but the answers will have to come from you.  Happy pondering.

X-Drive

Marriage: get on with it.

This post is written in answer to a post on Modern Mormon Men blog written by Matt Lipps.  Please read his post by clicking here.  It will make my post even more understandable!

When I was a young man aged 18 I was planning on a mission.  I had been planning for years.  Maybe because of my uncle who was a missionary for another church and had served his life as a missionary to Haiti and was celibate throughout, it was impressed in my mind that a mission was JUST for two years and then we were expected to get onto the even more important business of building a family.  Consequently, and unusually I'll bet, I studied to be a husband and parent for years before I served a mission.  Yes, I read books on the subject, but probably more importantly I paid attention to several examples around me.  I paid attention to my Dad and Mom and how they related to each other.  I watched my sister and her husband and learned all kinds of good things for my eventual marriage.  The married ward members provided me with supplimental material as I paid attention to the little ways they showed that they cared about each other...or not.

Now I don't tell you that to make all Mormon young men think that is what they should be doing with their time.  After all, I just did that with a little bit of my time.  I still liked playing and watching sports, adventures, and of course girls.  What I am trying to say is that I think most of us have noticed some of these things about the relationships going on around us.  We have likely noted things to do and not to do in a marriage relationship from our parents.  Consequently, we are not without preparation.  Even if you have been totally inattentive or lacking in opportunity and missed it growing up, you now have time to start paying attention, learning and preparing for marriage.

So many people are worried that they are not ready to get married.  I doubt very many people can be ready due to the fact that generally we cannot anticipate adequately most of the ways that marriage requires us to learn, grow, stretch, and repent.  All we have to be is committed to the institution of marriage by accepting that it is the pattern that we need to be a part of in our life and then to choose a person (note, I do not say fall in love) but choose a person that we decide we will love and commit to not stop loving them.  Voila you have a marriage ready to start and then can get down to the real work of marriage after the ceremony.   

The real work of marriage is of course making it last forever.  If we worry over much about getting ready to marry we will be tempted to think that the work is over when we are married.  Admittedly it does feel like that after you have gone through an engagement and done all the preparation that our society demands to get married; but that is just the beginning.  Now begins the real work of learning, respecting, repenting, loving, growing spiritually and every other way, caring, accepting our weaknesses and making them into strengths or at least adequately kick-starting the change, forgiving, sacrificing and the many other things that are a part of marriage.  Then after that foundation--whether months or years--have children and dig deeper into all the things you thought you had learned, because now you have to know them well enough to teach someone else--not just think you know them enough to get by--but really know them inside and out. 

I suspect that there are additional major transitions in married life yet to come that I haven't experienced yet.  Maybe the transition we call empty nest which some might say should be called "empty next".  Then what about maintaining a marriage through the older years of loss and infirmity.  Caring enough for each other to still love even when your spouse, or maybe you, can't show it in the same ways.  Possibly finally showing that we will not forget our love, our promises and our covenants when only one of us remains here alive.  Marriage and family life are so full of transitions, major and jarring transitions (sometimes) that we can't possibly prepare for them all adequately and yet we need to move forward through them and beyond when they occur.  And don't forget learning all the cumulative lessons along the way.

You see my wife and I married shortly after each of us returned from a mission.  We had minimal money, not even a car for the first couple years we were married.  We didn't find that college courses nor low income were good enough reasons to not start having children right away.  And when our first child was born dead we continued on despite the loss and pain.  Why should we be spared the pain that many others go through?  We learned about each other and used our challenges as methods to learn to trust and depend on each other.  We always kept building our relationship and love for each other.  There were frustrations, lack of money sometimes, always plenty of ways to spend what money we did have, but we wouldn't allow that to define our marriage or each of us individually.  We even had joy throughout!  Maybe not always as much as we hoped for but enough to let us know that life was good and that we were on the right track. 

My wife and I knew each other as missionaries.  When I returned home seven months before her from our mission I knew it was time to get going on the part of life that would really define me: husband and father.  So when I considered my options a lightbulb went off in my mind when I thought I would like to marry someone like Lisa.  Why not her?!  Well there wasn't a good reason, so I waited until she finished her mission and flew to her state shere she picked me up from the airport and I asked her to marry me.  Yup, it was our first date. 

I know that in this day and age of caution and distrust, when we wonder if people are who they really seem to be and worry if they will continue in the same upward trajectory over the next many years that we find it hard to trust enough to choose.  Often we either go with our hormones alone or give up and back out.  Many let fear and uncertainty take control and we exclude ourselves until temptation or failure overcomes us.  We have a resource to help and guide us (I'm talking about God here and not just parents and siblings and etc.), we have our own best efforts and our willingness to commit.  Maybe I am most clear on the fact that I know I personally have a great influence on how things turn out--maybe we could call that confidence or maybe it is stupidity, you choose.  Sure there is much outside of my control, but I prefer to see and accept and use what is within my control to work toward the goals that I choose and have covenanted to work toward. 

The preparation for marriage was helpful, but the experience of living marriage was more worthwhile.  Reading and watching got me thinking but reality got me acting in the ways I needed to act.  Marriage is a fantastic way to learn who you really are and then repent and be better.  The best preparation for a man is not the books or even the observation (though still valuable).  The best preparation is an honorable mission.  It will probably not make you feel ready for marriage and fatherhood, but it will start or strenthen your confidence and provide humility enough for growth.  Missions also are great for young women to help them prepare for marriage.  In their case however (possibly because they are older when they serve) it seems to polish the confidence and humility and etc. that they already had inklings of. 

Oh, and a note about fears of getting married.  Heavenly Father isn't the author of fear, rather he is the author of hope.  Hope that like faith requires work and effort to make meaningful.  So ditch the fear stuff and get on with it.  If you have some emotional problems or special circumstances than get some help for those to get in better shape.  If not then carry on, move forward and see what all the marriage hullabaloo is about.