Call it a Win!

I did not choose to become a middle school counselor because of the tangible and immediate rewards.  In that regard, being a school counselor is a lot like being a parent!  But every once in awhile, I get to witness the proverbial light bulb going off for a student.  (On a separate note, why does the light bulb go off when something finally clicks?)

"idea" by Terry Freedman is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

The electronic student records program we use at my school provides for students to access their grades in each class on demand, at the assignment level.  Students can see if they are missing assignments, as well as check their grades on recent tests and quizzes.  I receive a few emails from students requesting these credentials (randomly generated by the records program itself) every week, so they can view and follow their progress.  

Today, a sixth grader whom I will call Johnny sent me this email, reproduced here in its entirety:

"I need to know my username and password get back to me as soon as possible

from johnny"

As you are likely well aware, sixth graders are not known for their impeccable grammar, nor their politeness.  I can easily overlook the lack of capital letters and forgive the absence of a salutation in these email requests, but Johnny's email had the tone of a demand--or at the very least, that of placing an order at the drive-thru.  And I just couldn't let it go.

Culver's Drive-Thru Restaurant Menu" by Tony Webster is licensed under CC BY 2.0

So I sent him this reply:

"Dear Johnny:

"I just received your email.  Will you please write me again and send your request using proper email etiquette?  We (teachers) like to use email correspondence as an opportunity to help our students develop the skill of effective electronic communication.  This skill will help you tremendously as you move through your school career, apply to colleges, and enter the world of work.  

"Upon receiving your courteous request for assistance, I will be happy to help!

"Mrs. L"

I wasn't asking the impossible.  At the beginning of the school year, our oh-so-amazing school librarian, as part of her orientation to the library for sixth graders, includes a presentation on email etiquette.  This meant that, at the very least, Johnny should recognize the expression.

"Streamail" by Raphael Nieto is licensed under CC BY-NC 4.0 

I decided to forward Johnny's email and my response on to his English teacher:

"Just wanted to share.  I just couldn't let this one go, since he was basically making a demand rather than a request.  Hope that was okay!"

Johnny was at that moment sitting in her class, and she replied almost immediately: 

"Oh dear!  I will see if he reads your reply before the end of class.  Hopefully, he will change his tune."

But then, the miracle!  A mere two minutes later, she sent this email update to me--and to our librarian:

"OH MY!  Education in action.  Literally, after Lisa replied to the student, he pulled out the Email Etiquette lesson form from the library powerpoint we did awhile ago.  I think he is getting ready to resend his request using the proper etiquette, or at least, he is trying to." 

I thought that was AWESOME!!!!  

A few moments later, this new and improved email popped up in my inbox:

 

"dear mrs l

"may you please email me my username and password for powerschool student portal.  

"thank you and have a wonderful rest of your day.

"sincerely

"johnny"

And I call that a WIN!

"ok emoticon" by totofffff is licensed under CC PDM 1.0 

Just a Thought....

Great Expectations

Last week I taught Sunday School class for a group of teenagers, as their assigned teacher was out of town.  These are a group of typical (aka awesome!) young men and women, ranging in age from 14 to 17; boys, girls, athletes, scholars, actors, artists--and students all. Among them are several whom I have known since they were born.

In order to divide the youth into groups of three for a particular activity, I decided asked them to arrange themselves in order by birth month, January through December.  Once they had accomplished this, I tagged them out of the line--three at a time--and assigned them to discussion groups.  

"Birthday Cake" by Chris Campbell is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

I counted off the first few groups, and when I arrived at the last three students, I called them by name as I tagged them.  Or so I thought!  I called two out of their three names correctly, but I accidentally called Jordan--one of the kids I had known since his birth--by his dad's name!  I realized my mistake immediately, and in mock horror apologized profusely for so insulting him.  To make recompense, I--in all seriousness this time--promised him that I would bake him some cookies to atone for my error.  And when class ended, I reminded him again of my intention to do so.

Yesterday evening I made good on my promise and delivered some homemade monster cookies to Jordan's house.  He was at work, but his mom promised he would get them to him, a promise made the more sure because I had brought her some monster cookies of her own!

After church today, Jordan's mom told me that when he got home from work last night, he came into her room check in, and noticed the monster cookies sitting on her nightstand.  

"Some of those cookies are for me," he said.
"You're right, they are," said his mother.  "But how did you know that?"
Jordan replied, "Because the person who said she would bake me cookies always keeps her promises."

Have you ever had a moment when it seemed that time stood still?  The realization that you had just experienced something profound and weighty?  This was such a moment for me.  I was stunned to realize that this goofy, accomplished, annoying, brilliant, sometimes smug, faithful young man saw me as a woman who keeps her promises. And I left that conversation with the determination never to give him cause to abandon that perception of me.  

In the few short hours since, I have been reflecting both on the power of example, and on the power of the expectations of others that we will "walk the walk" and not just "talk the talk." And that has led me to consider the possibility that there are places--and relationships--in my life where my positive expectations could be more helpful--and inspiring--than my reminders, pleas, or nagging.  

Perhaps you'd like to consider that possibility too.

Copycat Kindness

I confess I don't watch the news much any more.  Here's why.

Just now, I pulled up the home page for one of my local TV stations.  Of the nine headlines currently posted there, four were related to violent crimes, including abduction, shooting, and murder.  While I do think it is important to try and stay informed about issues we face in our world today, I find that a steady diet of the horrific and unthinkable is not good for my emotional health.  

"INFO TV" by Renderon Broadcast Design is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

In addition, there is some support for the notion of copycat crimes.  (See for example this article or this article.) Type the single word "copycat" into the google search bar, and you'll find the top suggestion is "copycat crimes and the media."  

All of which has led me recently to ponder the question: If publicizing crimes increases the probability of similar crimes being committed, then why don't we publicize acts of kindness instead?  

"Bekind_Lama" by Inspiyr is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0 

Think of it: instead of reading about copycat crimes, we would find ourselves reading about copycat kindnesses.  We might watch a news story about a man who learned that his neighbor volunteers weekly at a local food pantry, which led him to volunteer there.  We might see contributions to nonprofits aiming to provide safe drinking water to people in third world countries double because the impact of their efforts are the lead stories on the nightly news.  We might find ourselves led to do more in our own community because we were inspired by the story of an ordinary person like us who did so.  

Thinking about this lately may be one reason why I'm enjoying two byutv original productions so much.  

The Fixers sends a team of experienced builders around the world, giving them ten weeks to work with local communities to complete ten life-changing projects for people in need.  So far I've watched them provide everything from a long-term source of clean water to a rural village in Nicaragua, to a new facility for an organization which trains rescue dogs to be companions for veterans with PTSD.  

Making Good host Kirby Heyborne travels across the U.S., working side-by-side with founders of charities and nonprofits who are touching lives all across the country.   So far I've learned about a former corrections officer who found a way to help young people break the cycle of incarceration, poverty and recidivism through establishing a youth-run supper club in San Francisco.  I've also learned how volunteers from competition BBQ teams (I didn't even know there was such a thing as a competition BBQ team!) provided over 120,000 meals over 13 days to Joplin, Missouri tornado victims in 2011.  Their efforts gave birth to Operation BBQ Relief, an organization which provides hot meals to victims of natural disasters throughout the U.S.

So if you're ready for a reminder that there are lots of good people doing lots of good all over the world, check out an episode or two of these shows.  Who knows?  Maybe you'll be inspired to engage in some copycat kindness of your own!  

A Little Arts and Culture

In the 26 years I've been a middle school counselor, I have observed a general decline in students' exposure to activities and events that might be found in the category of "arts and culture."  A majority of the students I've known have never been to a concert featuring classical music, have never attended an art show, or read a work by any of the literary masters.

As part of my extensive 😉 research in preparation for this post, I conducted a google search on this statement:  "How to add culture to your life."  This yielded suggestions such as the following:  

(1) Find out what local arts and cultural events are taking place in your own community, such as art shows, poetry readings, events at the public library, concerts, museum displays, and visits to historical sites

(2) Read a work of classic literature

"Hamlet" by Kevin Stanton is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

(3) Learn about another culture, past or present

(4) Try new foods

"Food Photography" by Satheesh Kumar is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

(5) Listen to different types of music

(6) Do something creative yourself: write a story, paint a picture, participate in a craft, dance, or learn a musical instrument, etc.

Image by andrew lorien is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 

Schools often try to provide students with opportunities to be exposed to arts and culture.  This happened recently at my grandson Eli's school when a local ballet company presented "Swan Lake."  What a great opportunity to be exposed to a bit of arts and culture, right?  

His teacher, of course, used the performance as an opportunity for practicing writing skills, and asked her second graders to both draw a picture and tell what they liked about the performance.

Here is Eli's response:

So much for arts and culture.   😆

Avoiding Sales Tactics 101

We still laugh when we recall an encounter we had at our local Sam's Club nearly a year ago when we ran into a sales demo staffed by an optimistic salesperson named Hugo.  My go-to strategy for dealing with such overly-eager salespeople consists primarily of avoiding the species altogether.  When this strategy fails however, my secondary strategy relies heavily on either avoiding eye contact with or directing disdainful looks in the direction of the zealous person who is attempting to visually or verbally engage me.  

"Cosmetic" by Jen Halim is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

But Dallas was with me on this particular evening, which meant I was not flying solo.  So when he was caught in Hugo's web, I was reluctantly drawn into enduring at least some portion of the inevitable sales spiel. Already leading Dallas over to his demo table, Hugo asked if he could rub his for-sale-concoction onto our wrists.  I told him I had sensitive skin and several allergies, but Dallas agreed (?) to let him try it on his. 

Hugo handed each of us a box of product and asked us to identify any ingredients to which we might be allergic.  Glancing at the ingredient list, and now in tertiary strategy mode, I told him the only allergy I had to any of the ingredients listed was to water.  Hugo didn’t bat an eye, and actually confided that he had the same allergy.   By this time he was rubbing the concoction on Dallas’s wrist (which at the time seemed kind of creepy—although not as creepy as if he had been rubbing it on my wrist….). He tells us the product is stripping away soap residue, etc. and that this product will “perturb” further development of wrinkles. 

At this point I interrupt him and comment that the word “perturb” doesn’t mean what he apparently thinks it does.  He confesses that it was an SAT word and he’s been practicing trying to use it to impress potential customers, apparently hoping that disarming honesty will succeed where faux wordsmithery has not.   Dallas helpfully suggests that the word he may want to use is “retard” but Hugo looks aghast and denies this, perhaps confusing a slang definition of the noun for the dictionary definition of the verb.  

"dictionary" by stockcatalog is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Hugo makes one last valiant attempt to summarize the virtues of his $89 (that’s deeply discounted for Sam’s Club customers) product.  It is at this point that I reveal to Hugo that in Dallas, he could not have selected a customer who cared less whether or not he has any wrinkles appearing. To this, Hugo readily agrees (not sure which sales tactic he was employing here).  I follow up that observation with one about myself: “…and I already look good.”  

This of course had the desired effect of rendering Hugo entirely speechless, for what could he say to that?  

Unjade Me

My good friend Emily is the Title I Reading teacher at the middle school where I work.  Last fall she organized Title I Reading Night at our local Chick-fil-A to encourage reading for our students and their families.  I wanted to support her and our students by attending, so after work that afternoon, I went to pick Eli & Alanna up from their school, and brought them down to our house for a date night.  After Dallas got home from work we headed over to Chick-fil-A.  

"Chick-Fil-A" by JeepersMedia is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

Emily had arranged some prize drawings for kids who attended, and she included Eli & Alanna in the “pool” by giving them each a ticket.  A little later when she was calling out winning tickets, Eli’s number was called, and he went up to spin the wheel for his prize, which was a Dr. Seuss grab bag filled with small gifts.  

Here is the first notable thing: Rather than taking the bag, he assumed that he was to choose one gift from the bag.  (This is the difference between a first grader and a middle schooler—well, at least one of the differences).  I couldn’t see everything that was in there, but there was a book, and that’s what Eli chose--no surprise there!

"photos 030911 011" by mclib dot net is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

However, when he brought the book--Making Lemonade--to our table and I read the back cover, it was easy to see that this was not a book that would be appropriate for Eli.  (Frankly, I’m not sure I would consider it appropriate for middle school students either, but the division reading specialist had brought it as part of the giveaways.) I only got far enough in the synopsis to learn that the protagonist was a 17-year old girl with two children by different fathers….and that was enough for me.  My goal then became to see if I could make sure the book ended up somewhere else.

I explained to Eli that this book was written for older kids, and asked if he would like me to see if I could find someone who would be willing to exchange his book for another one.  "No thank you,” he said.  Shortly after that it was time to leave.  

For the next chapter in the saga, you have to know that Eli, who was at the time a first grader, was in a second grade reading group at school. We left Chick-fil-A and were just climbing into the car when Eli looked at me with the expression of one for whom the light bulb has just lit up.  “Grammie!" he cried.  “I could give my book to someone in my reading group at school!”  (Because they are “older” and the book was written for older kids….get it?)  I told him that was very thoughtful, but this book was actually written for kids who were even older than second grade.

"Elementary School students working in a library setting." by Government of Prince Edward Island is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

“Well,” he said, “then I could give it to Miss Turner” (his teacher).  Before I could open my mouth to respond to that, Eli thoughtfully added, “But Miss Turner probably already knows how to make lemonade.”  (Insert laughing-til-you’re-crying emoji here) 😂

"Sunny Day Lemonade" by Kenn Wilson is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

I must say that my sometimes-jaded-middle-school-counselor-heart was lifted by the sweet innocence and goodness of this little boy, demonstrated that evening through this exchange.

Epilogue: There was a satisfactory ending to this tale: Grandpa Dallas offered to buy the book from Eli for $1, who immediately accepted the offer and announced: “Now I will have three dollars and forty-five cents!” 

Just a Reflection

A few weeks ago on a routine Target run, I emerged from my car to the sound of live accordion music.  It wasn't hard to locate the source, as the man playing had it hooked up to an amp.  He had set himself up on one of those decorative landscaping islands at the end of a row in the parking lot, and there he sat under the shade of a tree, playing lively music on his accordion.

"setting up" by danoxster is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

I walked up the parking lot in the row parallel to his, and could see that he had posted a makeshift sign on a white board, although from that distance I couldn't make out what he had written.  But as I made my way through the store, I couldn't shake my thoughts of the man.  So after making my purchases, I pulled a dollar from my purse and walked over to read his sign.  

The sign read that he had four children, and that he needed money for "daipers," bills and rent.  His handwriting led me to believe that English was not his native language.  I thanked him for his music, put my dollar in the makeshift contribution box he had fashioned by cutting a hole in a piece of cardboard and placing it on top of his empty accordion case, and headed to my car.  I was impressed to think that rather than asking or begging for money, the man was determined to offer what he had in exchange for what he needed.  

"File:Disposable Huggies Diapers at Kroger.jpg" by ParentingPatch is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

But then I had the thought that I should buy some diapers for his baby.  I walked all the way to my car, wrestling with myself about that impression, with thoughts like these:

"What if he's just making it up, saying that he has kids when he really doesn't?"

"I already gave him some money."

Then I remembered a general conference talk by Michelle Craig.  In it she related the experience a sister who was a neighbor of President Spencer W. Kimball.  One Sunday she noticed he had worn a new suit to church, and thought that the silk her father had recently brought her would make a handsome tie for President Kimball.  She was an accomplished seamstress, and the next day, she made the necktie for him, carefully wrapping it in tissue paper before walking up the block to President Kimball's home.  

"On her way to the front door, she suddenly stopped and thought, 'Who am I to make a tie for the prophet?  He probably has plenty of them.'  Deciding she had made a mistake, she turned to leave.

"Just then Sister Kimball opened the front door and said, 'Oh, Susan!'

"Stumbling all over herself, Susan said, 'I saw President Kimball in his new suit on Sunday.  Dad just brought me some silk from New York...and so I made him a tie.'

"Before Susan could continue, Sister Kimball stopped her, took hold of her shoulders, and said: 'Susan, never suppress a generous thought."

"Thoughts" by Larisa Alexandru is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

I decided to take Sister Kimball's advice.  So I turned myself around, and headed back to the man to ask him what size diapers his baby needed. Then I went in to Target and bought a box of diapers and some baby wipes. When I came back out with the diapers, the man's wife had arrived in a van which was packed quite full with belongings, leading me to wonder if they could be living out of their van.  I asked the man if this was his wife; he said yes, and I gave her the diapers.  She hugged and thanked me.  She spoke with a heavy accent but I understood from what she said that her husband didn't have the papers he needed in order for him to work.  I believe I may have been smiling more broadly than this couple when I left the Target parking lot that afternoon.

A few weeks later, my sister shared with me something from a post she had recently read.  The author had offered help to someone in a situation similar to the one I encountered, and was scolded by a family member for allowing himself to be taken advantage of.  The family member said "He was probably scamming you, telling you some sob story to get help he doesn't really need."  

The man responded simply and profoundly:  "If he is lying, that is a reflection on his character.  But if I fail to help someone in need, that is a reflection on mine."

"Water Reflections" by freefotouk is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

"Reflections" by chiricahua sky island is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

It's Our Race

A couple of months ago, the Church posted a series of videos on its YouTube Channel.  These videos focus on fighting pornograpy, teaching healthy sexuality to children, dealing with a spouse's pornography addiction and other related topics.  I've listened to several of those videos and am quite favorably impressed.  Each video includes comments, counsel and suggestions from apostles, general auxiliary leaders, past and present (Primary, Relief Society and Young Women) as well as from professional counselors and educators.  

In one of these videos, a woman shared a personal experience which became an analogy for her that increased her understanding of how the Savior helps us face adversity—without solving or removing the obstacles for us.

"San Diego Rock-N-Roll Marathon on 2013-06-02 at 06-52-23" by Baboosh Photography is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

“I’m a marathon runner and recently I prepared for [a race].  And because it's a really small marathon, my husband, who is a cyclist, was able to bring his bike and support me all throughout the course.  About mile 16, I hit the turnaround point, and I recognized I had to go all the way back.  And all of a sudden, things got a lot harder.  At about mile 20 there was this huge headwind that just hit, and it didn’t feel like I could go any further.  I felt like I was stopped in my tracks.  And before I knew it, my husband swooped right in in front of me on his bike, and he was buffering the wind for me.  And when I gained enough strength mentally and physically to do it again, he rode off, because it wasn’t his race—it was mine.  And it dawned on me that this is exactly how the Savior treats us.  He can’t change the terrain, He can’t change the course; He doesn’t make it so the work goes away.  What He does is He rides right in front of us to buffer us from the wind.”

"_DSC5529" by Reneau Frigon is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

I loved both the visual imagery of the Savior out ahead of us, buffering us from the winds that we’re facing, and the reminder that it’s our race, so He can’t—or perhaps more precisely, won’t—take from us the experiences that are part of that race.  

The individual course for my race was designed specifically to help me return to our heavenly Home having been shaped into the person He always knew I could become.  This will come to pass not in spite of but because of the challenges I will face and--with His help--overcome on my journey.  The same is true for you.  

So when your energy is drained, your limbs feel like lead, and you can scarcely breathe for that stitch in your side, look to the Savior to be the buffer you need.  His grace will help you catch your breath and muster the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

From images.churchofjesuschrist.org